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Friday, April 12, 2013

Baby's Got BUSH Back!


I think it's time for part II. According to my blog stats the masses have spoken.  Sure I have written about love, sex, religion and other thought-provoking topics.  But the one post that rules all others, and apparently is the most important, is my piece on BIKINI WAXING? Yes, my friends, this is what gets you page views.  Since February 11, 2011 my entry titled Mind Your Own Bikini's Wax has gotten a whopping 43,488 reads!! WOW!  It is the only post I have that is read and shared every single day.  This is what inquiring minds want to know about I guess... Thank you..i think.

Looking through the lady-carpets of time you will be happy to know that BUSH is back! Yes, say bye-bye to the Brazilian (or what I refer to as the creepy 6 year old.)  According to a recent study, men prefer hair down there. (make up your minds will you guys?) After reading numerous posts on the subject I am thrilled to hear this news.  I think a little something-something down there is sexy. Landing strip, triangle or heart shape pussy galore.. whatever you like girls! In the words of Amanda Smash Hyde, proclaimed "vagina waxer to the porn stars," women are "choosing hair over bare!"  Ms. Hyde also proclaims the "no one should tell you how to wear your bush." (really, that is an actual quote, lol) Now that's a hell of a career.  She must be exhausted!

I have performed my share of bikini waxing, and let me tell you, it ain't pretty.  It's a very tricky area;  all sorts of curves & angles.. Think about it.. Sure, the front is an easy area to clean up, but that damn Brazilian includes some not-so-sexy places. Let's just leave it at that.  I have also gotten a Brazilian done ONCE and it was the most comical & painful thing I have every experienced.  The wax room is the only place that it is acceptable to ask your client to:  "Pull your legs over your head and hold them there? and then "get on your knees?  Head down ass up..It was like 50 Shades of Grey but the pain was NOT pleasurable.  We've all been there girls, right? But now we are free!  Free to let our hair down, if you will.

After years of ripping, bruising and tiding up the kitty it's time for a little love and care.  A new trend that is sweeping muff nation is the Vajacial. I'm not making this up. It's like a facial for the vag.  It is growing in popularity, so much so that ABC news did a piece on it.  Yes, this is what is necessary in life.  My life is complete!!! In this "treatment" your love cupcake is cleansed, gently exfoliated, ingrown hairs are removed (ouch!) to reveal a smooth & sexy new you.  I can imagine spa owners trying to introduce this service to their staff.  "OK girls, we are now doing Vajacials.  Who wants to let me do a demo on them?" What does one charge for such a service? WTF?  Honestly, this sounds like a rub & tug for women, but that's just me.  What will they think of next? 

So whether you are Team Bare or Team Hair, it's good to know that you will have all the bases covered when tending to lady parts. This is your beauty correspondent signing out... Good luck!



Wednesday, January 30, 2013

ParentHOUDE...

While dealing with my recent insomnia, I have been reading a lot of really "helpful" magazines.  The most recent was a special edition to my Real Simple subscription, Real Simple "Family" Addition.  I SO enjoy reading about over-achieving parents, mothers-of-the-year and 10 ways to get vomit out of the carpet. (in this case, it was my own, after reading some of these articles.)

Like we need more written proof that we are not feeding our children the right foods, don't have enough play dates scheduled and that we don't know how to make Moroccan chicken and quinoa.  I'm exhausted!  I can't keep up with the laundry, never mind the Jones'.  How am I supposed to compete with this stuff? 

There was an article about "how to keep your sanity in your over scheduled life."  Note to self: stop doing everything!  A mother of 4 boys lets us into her tidy, post-it-note reminder, brown-bagged lunch existence. Her 3 darling boys play or are committed to at least 2 activities each and her life is spent driving them to & from sports, music lessons, Chinese jump rope training & cupcake decorating 101.  Is she insane? She says it is a challenge but worth it when she sees the smiles on their faces.  (Unfortunately, she hasn't smiled since 2006)

Now the "modern" mom can handle all these tasks with the greatest of ease. I mean, this is why we have children, right? (feeling the sarcasm there??) To put aside our own lives and tend to their every whim, want & desire until...when? Eternity?  This is NOT what I signed up for.  It is an interesting topic.   Where do our wants, needs & desires fit into this endless parade of obligation? (Once again, that Catholic guilt is taking over here while I write). What kind of selfish person has children & doesn't sign them up for soccer, Viola & conversational Japanese classes at 4 years old?  ME!  (Oops, I didn't get that memo.)

Now, I am not saying that children do not need activities in their lives.  Of course they do! What I am saying is when is enough..too much?  Sports & activities are no longer limited to the weekdays.  They have now taken over weeknights & weekends as well. I mean, even God rested on the 7th day, right?  There is no day of rest.  No wonder the family unit has deteriorated.  Family dinner?  Yeah, right.  You have to make 3 different meals to coincide with everyones schedule.


It is tough enough to just be a parent.  Now add in the pressure of being a "good" parent.  What does that mean anyway?  Who decides if you are a good parent? Who are we trying to impress?  I would like to say that I am not swayed by other mothers to do certain things, but that would be a lie.  I am, just like most of us, concerned with not only the reality but also the perception of my parenting skills.  It sounds juvenile, but its true.  But at the end of the day, it is what it is.  I am not like any other mother.  I am me.  I do things in my life that other parents might consider silly, selfish & irresponsible.  I am not mother of the year, nor do I want to be.  It sucks to endlessly have to second guess yourself.  

So, as I continue to read the 5 different uses for a lemon, all I can think of is squeezing one into a huge glass of vodka and chain smoking in the garage. Thank you for your help, Real Simple, Family Addition!

Guess I won't be featured in the next addition....








Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Halloween is for Sluts!

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Lindsay Lohan is right!! 

Halloween is one of those cult "holidays."  There are people out there who wait all year to dress up, spend hours plotting and planning their outfit; and I'm talking about adults. I guess I understand the fantasy part of all hallows eve.  You get to be someone you are not.  Unless you are a slut, then you are totally in your element.

After spending numerous hours perusing the costume selections for women, I have some to a few conclusions.

1~   I am not skinny
2~  Although I would like to think I would look sexy in that "Bad Cop Babe" costume, who am I kidding?
4~  No females have breasts, apparently.  How do I get my girls in those tops?
3~  The overall theme for this years female costumes is SLUT!

Really, you girls know what I am talking about, right?  Every single costume is one inch short of a vaginal exam. Who can wear these outfits? Is it sad that the only one I should consider is a Nun getup with full length robe? Lord help us all!

I always had this fantasy that I could wear that latex catsuit that Halle Berry rocked as Catwoman. Latex is sexy if your body underneath doesn't look like an overstuffed sausage ready to burst. Now I understand the sexy cowgirl, mafia princess, vampire vixen..but was confused by the "sexy" ketchup bottle and "rocking raisin."  They even made ketchup slutty!  How is this possible? They make a "sexy" taxi driver outfit?  And let's not even talk about what they have done to all the beloved Disney characters. The only time I remember Snow White wearing fishnets & knee-high go-go boots was in the adult film adaptation of the tale "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs: Gang Bang Edition"

Halloween should be called Whore-O Ween or Turning Tricks- or Treat.. OK, I'm getting carried away now. 

Now I understand dressing like a tramp is acceptable and almost a prerequisite on Halloween but you must know your limits.  There are some guidelines that all women should abide by when selecting your costume. You know a costume will not work if you answer YES to either of the following 2 questions:

A. If you drop something, will you be able to pick it up without the entire party getting a clear shot of your uterus?

B. When bobbing for apples, will the person next to you accidentally bite your nipple because your breast have sprung out and are now floating along with the fruit?

I'm not going to go off on a rant here about female costumes being so over the top sexually. But case & point, let's just compare some female versions to their male counterpart.

                                     ARMY COSTUME:

FIREFIGHTER COSTUME








                       


You get my point?  I would light my own house on fire if that girl came to put it out!

Halloween is a time for fantasy but the reality of the costumes is enough to make me want to skip the dress up and move right on to Thanksgiving. Good luck in your search ladies! Go forth & be slutty!


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Crash

It was a beautiful afternoon.  It was October 23, 1986 and I was no more than sixteen and one half. I was a Junior in High School with a shiny new license and lucky enough to have the use of my mom's old station wagon. I played field hockey, and the team would practice every afternoon at the Middle School, which was a short drive from the High School.  The daily ritual was to pile in the wagon and I would drive to practice.  It was a beautiful afternoon.

This was October 23rd.  A date that forever lives in my memory as one of the worst days of my life.  A day that haunts me still, even 26 years later.  I remember every second.  Every.  Second.

11 girls piled into my car that day. How was I to know what would happen?  That I was driving faster than I probably should have.  That in my inexperience I swerved around a corner too suddenly and that the car would fishtail.  That in a split second I would hit two trees and end up on a front lawn just inches from someones house.  I can hear screaming and then silence. I was in shock.  I was not hurt.  The others were not so lucky.

I don't think you understand the impact something like this has on your psyche.  Even now, I can picture the car; twisted metal, smoke, shattered glass, flat tires, clothing strewn about.  A body pinned underneath, blood, dirt and deafening silence.

God was watching us that day as no one was killed. The injuries were many and although physically I was not hurt, I still carry this burden.  Like it was yesterday.

I learned many lessons from this event.  My mother wrote me a note that night and I still keep in a jewelry box in my bedroom.  It spoke of love and family. She said at times like these "the ones you can trust are your family" and that I need to "be prepared" for what may come of this. This confused me.  I was 16 and I got into a car accident.  What possibly could she be talking about?

She was talking about the days and weeks that followed. The police questioning, the criminal charges, the criminal lawyer I had to retain.  The hate mail I and my family received from sick cowards.  The two page, full-spread pictorial of the accident in the local paper. The questions being asked to all the rode with me that day: "Did she have any enemies in the car? and "was she drinking?" I was 16 and had no clue... No clue that a car accident would turn into this nightmare.  That it was seen as an opportunity for many to show cruelty and hatred.  That friends I thought would show support wouldn't. I was 16 and had no clue what the real world was like. My mother knew and as she so eloquently warned me in that letter; telling me to sleep in peace and that she loved me.

Life has a funny way of showing even a young girl the hard realities that your life can change in an instant. 26 years later I remain forever changed. My injuries have not healed.

Today is October 23.





Thursday, October 18, 2012

Communication Breakdown

-cue final Jeopardy theme music

Answer: A major reason why society can no longer communicate effectively?

Question: What is FACEBOOK!

I do spend more time than I care to admit on Facebook.  It is entertaining to be the voyeur and live vicariously through other peoples posts, pics & comments.  But as time goes on, I realize that Facebook is the beginning of the end of communication as we know it.

When I first joined FB, I used it as a tool for promotion for my band & my job as a makeup artist.  What a perfect way to reach many people in just one post!  I still, to this day, use it as a tool.  Not a confessional.  When did it become OK to post your most personal issues for all the FB world to see?  Again, I am guilty of scrolling through the minutia for a laugh but I am sometimes totally stunned by what people will put out there!

Amidst the regular FB members are a variety of characters:
 

The Lurker : one that watches... but never posts

The Show Off: Look at me & how great I am.. Tell me how great I am!

The Instigator: Posting things for shock value for reaction

The Pity Seeker: Poor me, please comment & boost my ego 


And the worst of all offenders: The Coward!!! 

I know you have all seen these posts. If you have a problem with someone or something shouldn't you deal with it face to face?  Putting ambiguous posts on Facebook is not going to solve anything, and in fact, usually makes the problem worse.  This is the worst type of post, in my opinion.  You know who your are directing the post to, but fail to mention them by name. It's like a big guessing game. (on top of ridiculous & immature) This is as bad as texting someone to tell them that you are pregnant, fired or you want to break up with them.  When did we all lose our spine?  Social media has provided a platform for all of us to hide behind and be tough.  What happened to honesty & the truth?  (and growing a pair?) I mean, some situation require an actual sit-down, don't they?  Not a text, FB message or email on whim...

It is like High School all over again. Posting things & waiting for approval, likes, comments & validation. I have watched actual FB fights via comments. Have you ever seen this? Adults bantering back & forth on FB.. not to each other, but virtually. I understand some people get off on shock value, but does anyone out there see this as a problem? It's disturbing to me.

When are we all going to realize that true communication needs to come directly from our mouths and not our electronic devices?  Now, I am not saying that you need to have diarrhea of the mouth every time you open up, but when it comes to the important things in life, don't we owe that to each other?  I may have not liked everything that my parents told me, but I am the better for it. I would choose the hard truth over sugar-coating any day.

I have to admit, I too have become a victim of this "virtual lack of sac." We all have been happy, at one time or another, to send an email, text or FB message instead of making a difficult phone call or speaking to someone face to face. It's part of the generation.  All I am saying is that is this the end of communication as we know it?  Is the real digital zombie apocalypse is upon us?

I enjoy Facebook for its entertainment value, not as a virtual soapbox.  Random thoughts & feelings have a place out there, but personal attacks do not.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the way we communicate is forever changed.  In turn, this has made us weaker as a society.  Adults fighting like kids on FB, kids getting bullied via text; it is a breeding ground for the cowardly and insecure. We do not have to stand up to anyone anymore..we can just call them out on FB....in code, of course.