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Monday, February 28, 2011

Mind Your Own Bikini's Wax

Has this ever happened to you?

Sex and the City | Movie Trailer | Review

If your answer is YES, please continue to read...

Since my last post dealt with the dreaded purchasing of a bathing suit, I feel compelled to tackle another related subject that is relevant and often not spoken about freely. (No, not what is actually in your bedside table drawer.)  It is something us women have had to deal with for quite some time.  Yes, I am talking about the maintenance of your lovely lady parts a.k.a the bikini area.

Now, I know this may make some of you uncomfortable out there, but it is something that needs to be addressed.  I have spent years working as an Esthetician in a Day Spa. I often  provided women with waxing treatments & the bikini area was usually the most challenging, to say the least..  Not always the most pleasant, I'll admit.  You would be amazed at what I encountered when the pants came off. So let's be frank, shall we?

Oh, it was so easy in the 70's.  Little or no attention was paid to the land down under.  Retro-bush was in.  (I hear it is making a comeback, though I do not understand why?)

I say this: if you underwear protrudes beyond your pelvic area, you need some help.  (I think all of our significant others reading this would agree.) 

So whether you shave, wax or laser, keeping this part of your body neat & tidy is imperative.  It requires some bravery on our part.  I mean who doesn't want hot wax applied to their most sensitive areas & then ripped off in expert fashion.  (Yes..it is as painful as it sounds.)  When I was working, the bikini wax used to be pretty standard.  Clean up the sides, a little off the top & maybe a landing strip for good measure.  But then the age of the Brazilian came and I thought to myself....do I really want to wax someones ass? I think you can figure out that answer.

What amazes me is the creativity that has come about down there.  Taking it all off is the go-to choice for a lot of women.  This frightens me a little.  It reminds me of a 10 year old girl.  A little creepy, but all the kids are doing it. (and the boys LOVE it!)  If you are not ready to take it all off..there are some other avenues to take.

Check out this waxing menu I found on-line. (this is for real, I swear.)

I love the key of terms at the top, especially the "Honeymoon Style" description.  (Bum cheeks...lol!)

Who knew the were so many options for our girlie bits?  Lots of choices, shapes & in some places, colors.  I attempted this once early on in my marriage.  I do not recommend it.  (bleach+bikini area= all sorts of OUCH!)

Now, there is a new contender in the bikini adornment ring.  It is called Vajazzling.  No, really.  There are many website devoted to this.  You basically get a Brazilian wax (which in lay terms means waxing everything off) and then rhinestones are glued to your skin to create shapes, words or whatever your sick mind can think of.  (I really can't post images, but just Google "vajazzle" & you'll see what I mean.)  You say bedazzle I say vajazzle.   I suppose it is not for everyone, but why not?  If it's good enough for Jennifer Love-Hewitt then it's good enough for us!  She is ready for a Party of 5 in her pants I guess...

At this point, it may be a little T.M.I.  But I feel compelled to speak out as a beauty professional & woman. This is an "area" within the realms of my expertise.  Impeccable landscaping is a thing of beauty.  Whether it be your home or "your house."  (couldn't resist that link...sorry) I never realized what those Mary Jane girls were talking about..I'll keep you happy & so satisfied in "my house."  Hmm.

So, go forth ladies.  Embrace the pain & let's keep it clean.  In the words of Mr. Miyagi..

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Suit up: a girl's guide to swimwear

Winter has kicked my ass this year.  Waking up to 18 degree weather is getting old.  I need sun.  I want to feel warmth!  This being said, I am very much looking forward to a trip to Florida to visit the parents.  My boys are very excited, as is my husband, because he opted OUT of this trip.  So I am going solo with the boys. Now this also means that I will need to squeeze my body into a bathing suit in less than 14 days.  Oh, the horror!

Bathing suit shopping is probably the most demeaning thing a woman can do. (with jean's shopping coming in at a close 2nd) The suit selection, the fluorescent lights, the white, pasty skin....Ugh!  Someone will be in tears by the end of this.  Again, I am not skinny.  Bathing suits are available in all shapes & sizes..just not mine.  Now, there is no shortage of suits out there.  I recently went shopping for a sled in January after the last snowstorm & found that at Target, it was already summertime. Bathing suits, inflatable pools, flip flops?  WTF?  

I digress.  Let's take a look at the suits that we, as women, are supposed to stuff our ladies parts into.

Exhibit A:  The BIKINI

All bikinis look good an a hanger or a size 0 plastic dummy.   Finding one that fits "just right" is pretty much an exercise in futility.  Do you see the top?  These little triangles are supposed to cover & support?  To be honest,  I do not think they could even cover my nipples.  Those strings would be pushed to the limit to support me.  So unless I go on a full body cleanse for about 2 months, (and invest is some serious lipo) this is not an option for me. 

Exhibit B: The TANKINI

Clever name for the 1/2 tank top & 1/2 bikini.  The tankini was once reserved for the pregnant woman.  I believe this is really for those women who are clinging to their youth & not ready to commit to the one piece. The waist is covered with material that is not connected to the bottom.  I don't know about you, but I think everyone looks like they are expecting in one of these.  The Urban Dictionary defines it as "A bikini for fat birds with beer bellies or similar wobbly guts"  I might have to agree with that one.

Exhibit C:  The ONE PIECE

I think all women are a bit sad when this is the option that they have to go with.  The cuts range from full coverage to high-cut & skimpy.  There does come a point when more coverage is better.  One of the more popular models is the "Miracle Suit."  As in, it will take a miracle to make your body look good enough to not scare other patrons & small children on the beach.  It claims to make you look10 lbs. lighter just by putting it on.  You just cannot breathe, sit down or operate heavy machinery.

There are also other "creative" options such as the "swim skirt"  & "board shorts."  In other words, just wear clothes you big fatty!  All in all...swimsuits = hell!

After years of sobbing alone in the dressing room, I have found MY miracle.  It is a company called Pango-Pango Swimwear.  This website has FOREVER changed my tainted views of summertime attire.  On this site, you can choose tops & bottoms separately that actually fit YOU.  Many companies like Victoria's Secret, Lands End & Newport News offer the same service.  But I have found that what these companies consider a D cup is more like a Dixie cup.

The selection at Pango-Pango is amazing.  Tops from the tiniest triangles to, my favorite "most supportive under-wire," really fit.  You order by cup size & back measurement.  This is key.  I have a large cup size but my back is small.  They understand that big-busted women do not have a size 45 back. The straps are sturdy & you don't bounce, around worried that you will spring free & injure other bathers while swimming.

The bottoms have the same flexibility.  Lined & double-stitched in anything form a g-string to a full-coverage brief.  One option I tried & I love is the custom made one-piece.  They literally make the suit to your measurements.  This includes the torso length so it does not ride up.  They will also take it back (with tags on) if it doesn't fit.  They also offer suits in every color, solid or print, under the sun.. Just AWESOME!!!

I'm telling you girls.  If you suffer from swimwear anxiety like I do, you have to purchase a suit from Pango Pango. Good luck & happy shopping!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Figure UN-friendly: Why I am a Fashion Don't

I had the pleasure of having some free time yesterday, so I decided to stop by the mall, browse the latest styles and maybe find something cute for myself.  I am an admitted fashion DON'T!  A hater of shopping & it shows.  My closet is like a fashion museum; filled with relics of all sizes, shapes & uniformly the color black.  (do they make clothing in other colors?)

Now there are some problems I seem to face when at the mall. What stores am I allowed to shop in?  I am turning 41 on Sunday.  (OUCH!  That one hurt..)  I find myself in a quandary.  I'm too old to shop at Forever 21 right?  But not quite old enough to mail it in & shop at Talbots.  I'm stuck between the ultra-low rise & the elastic waist band.  Am I the only one who has this problem?

The fact is that woman's clothing is not made to fit me. (or any woman that I know.) I am of average height, and according to the universal "figure" shape chart, I'm considered hourglass.  In other words, I have boobs & a big ass.  This used to be considered feminine & sexy.. Not so much anymore.  Woman's clothing is an absolute joke, in my opinion.  If you have no ass, no boobs & no hips then you are in luck.  These clothes will fit you, but the downside is you most likely look like my 12 year old nephew.  

After a few hours of cruising the stores, I have GREAT news ladies!! The 80's are back. This is how I know I'm getting old.  I can go into most of these stores & pick out the identical outfit I wore for my Senior pictures. 

This spring we have the privilege of choosing from the following trends:

Ruffles:  Honestly, they are not feminine. They are silly & I feel like a pirate. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld: "I don't want to be a pirate!" Plus, if you are well endowed, you really do not need any more fluff in & around the chest area, right?

Leggings:  My god!  I wish I was born with skinny legs but I wasn't.  And after looking around the mall, I guess that is not a prerequisite when deciding to wear theses.  They are like thick tights.  Yea, that's a really nice look, especially when paired with a tunic-type top.  (laden with sarcasm here...)  My advice: buy a full-length mirror.

Skinny Jeans:  Has anyone seen the state of America when it comes to weight?  Skinny is not a good trend for us right now, or ever!  BTW..if you are not "skinny" these jeans will not make you look like you are. Do we really have to wonder why some many women have eating disorders?

Other things I have seen gracing the store shelves & racks that frighten me:

Shirts with shoulder pads, neon clothing & accessories, feather earrings, ponchos, legwarmers & I actually saw a banana clip today at the checkout.

Someone make it stop!  Seriously..why don't they just reopen Tello's & Chess King & get it over with.

So, on top of these horrid trends, I still do not have a "go-to" store to shop at.  Just because I am a mom of two & in my "early" forties, do I have to dress like something out of The Preppy Handbook? Or, do I just pretend I'm shopping with my teenage daughter that I don't have & pick out something at Express.  

I don't know.  It is depressing.  There needs to be a store for that "I'm not young but not an member of AARP" age group.  I cannot wear jeans with a zipper that is 2 inches long nor do I want jeans that sit right below my nipples.  I have enough body issues, thank you! 

If this is a depiction of "average" American women:

Then how are we supposed to look good wearing this:

So if any of you out there have any advice for me I would greatly welcome it.  If you need me I will be IN the closet.  And I wont be coming out anytime soon.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Word to you Mothers......

While fumbling through my bedside table last night, I came across a book I had purchased about 3 years ago.(yes, I read on occasion)  It is titled "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids."  This might quite possibly be the best book I have read about modern motherhood. 

A little back story here:  I was married for 7 years before we had children.  Then my boys were born 15 months apart.  For all you moms out there, you understand the anxiety you have about everything while going through this time. I was always looking for something to validate me & what i was feeling at this time.  I was exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed & desperate. No one ever warned me about this. "They" had failed to mention that on top of being so sleep deprived, nursing & fat..I would be a raving lunatic.  I thought they would hand me this baby & I would be in love and all would be right in the universe.  Um..nope.  That did not happen for me.  Now, I absolutely LOVE my children, don't get me wrong here. But it takes time to grasp the idea of children. That you are "mommy" now.  ME?  I'm someones mother?  I am responsible for properly raising these perfect little creatures?  God help them..& me!

The book was written by two moms who interviewed thousands of mothers. It is broken down into chapters that cover topics like : guilt, choices, judgment & expectations vs. reality.  Basically the keywords in the mothers handbook.  This is not some doctor or psychiatrist telling me how it should be done or how I should feel.  These are REAL women in real life.  Women like me.  And for the first time as a mother, I felt OK.  This book saved my sanity.

Throughout the book they have little excerpts called "Dirty Little Secrets."  I just love these.  Let me share some of my favorites:
   "I don't know how to ask for help.  I just know how to scream at my husband."
    "Sometimes I think..I gave up nine months of drinking for this?"
    "I would give up my husband for a housekeeper."
    "I lost my job but still dropped my son at daycare and pretended to look for a job while I got a  manicure."

Reading these things made me laugh.  The made me feel normal.  I wasn't the only one out there not living up to the "expectation" of motherhood? I think the pressure we put on ourselves as mothers is soul-crushing.  You cannot have & do it all.  There are trade-offs, everyday.  It is making peace with your own choices that gets you through it.  We spend our whole lives trying to be better, prettier, skinnier, more balanced (what the hell is that?) while losing a little part of ourselves, everyday, in the process.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am. 

This book was like the Mommy Confessional.  I then started going through my own process of acceptance.  We all need to do it.  Go ahead.  Try it.  I'll go first....

   I tell my kids I am working on the computer when I'm really playing scrabble.
   My favorite time of day is 8:30am.  When I just got the kids on the bus for school.
   I throw out a lot of birthday party invitations & don't tell my kids.
   I have a babysitter booked every other weekend, whether I have plans or not, so we can go out.

Does this make me an awful mother? NO! Am I selfish? Maybe, a little.  But my sanity depends on these things. It is my way of getting ME back.  We are told how a mother should act, look like & feel.  The expectation is so unrealistic. What is important is that we recognize this & accept that it is unattainable.

I always wanted to be that mom who was perfectly put together, calm, poised & had color-coordinated cupcakes at birthday parties.  The one who had the spotless home, the laundry done & dinner in the oven while reading stories to the kids.  I got news for you.  NOT. EVEN. CLOSE!

It took a long time for me to admit out loud that I did not LOVE being mommy.  That I was sometimes resentful and longed for life that I no longer had.  That my biggest accomplishment during the day was cleaning the bathrooms.  And don't give me that crap about "being a mother is the most important job in the world."  In real life, if you don't get paid it is not considered a job.  It was really hard to admit.  But I did.  I am also lucky enough to be married to a man who gets that.  Who gets ME. 

I guess I am writing this because though those "infant" years I was really struggling with the way I felt inside.  No one ever told me it would be this hard. No one told me the way I felt was OK. So I am here to tell you it is.  You have to do your best to make peace with what kind of mommy YOU are. I did & I am a better mother, wife & women because of it.

Friday, February 11, 2011

VD: an Idiots Guide to Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again gentlemen!  The dreaded Valentine's Day.  A day dedicated "to celebrating the love & affection between intimate companions."  I can just feel the unbridled enthusiasm in all of you. Honestly, I believe V-day is really just another ploy by Hallmark & Russel Stover.  Can any man really measure up to our expectations on this day?

This "holiday" really seems to put a lot of pressure you boys.  The right gift, the right card, the right 4 carat diamond... Now, it is important to understand that we are women.  Women like romance.  We like the "thought" or the idea that you took the time to pick a gift or card out.  That you put some effort into it. I am sure each of you can recall a V-day disaster & hope to avoid another one at all costs.  

If you know anything about women, there are 3 dates circled on our calendars.  Our birthday, anniversary & Valentines Day.  (Of course this is me talking, but I am woman & I am confident that most women would agree.)  We have a certain expectation on these days.  In lay terms, we want something from you.  

I have a hunch that since V-day is in 3 days, most of you have not even gotten a card or gift yet.  With this in mind, I decided to make a handy reference guide for you studs.  One that will make you look like a hero & keep your woman on cloud nine for weeks to come.

Step 1:  The Card

I grew up in a "card-giving" household. (My mother should be a shareholder at Hallmark.) Cards are can cost you 5-6 dollars a pop, which is a ripoff.  But I'll let you in on a little secret.  Card = thought.  The right card can score you big points in the romance department; thus you = hero.  Don't discount that you really do "care enough to send the very best."  Once, my husband did not get me a card for Mother's Day citing "you are not MY mother."  Well, I don't need to tell you the wrath that was unleashed after that incident.  Rule #1.. GET A CARD!!

Step 2:  The Flowers

YES..there is total price gauging going on here.  A total sham.  A month ago, you could get a dozen roses for $19.99.  This month they are $50 & up. Crazy, I know.  Now, we will tell you "don't spend the money" on flowers or that "we don't want them."  Secret...We are lying.  We ALWAYS love & secretly want you to get us flowers.  It is the quintessential expression of love & again, romance.  (are you seeing a theme here?) Let's just say I have never seen a women disappointed when she received flowers.  Go get em & get the good ones.  (for those who are confused:  Roses = good / Carnations = Bad)  And if you really want bonus points, send them to her workplace.  Nothing like the look on her those jealous female co-workers faces when you have a heaping bouquet of love delivered.  Trust me!

Step 3:  The Candy

Albeit a bit hokey, candy is another staple in the V-day gift-giving ritual. We all love chocolate for the most part & who can resist those heart-shaped boxes of decadent delights?  Not me.. It is a nice addition but should never be the "main" gift.  Like flowers, it is an accompaniment. 

Step 4: The Gift

This is where is gets bit tricky boys.  Gift giving can be quite an enigma for most of you. It is the ultimate result of your main goal here : THE THOUGHT!  Again, this is obviously very personal & all ladies have different likes & wants (good luck with that, BTW)  I am going to simplify this so even the most clueless Romeo can score big.  If you can avoid any of the gifts below, then you should come out on top. (and maybe your women will too, if you are lucky.)

*Vermont Teddy Bear: Come on, are we 10?  Silly & lacking thought 
*Pajamagram:  No infomercial gifts please.  It's like getting a Snuggie. Cute, but not good.
*Appliances:  Nothing says I love you like a food processor?  BAD! 
*Clothing: Are you our grammy?  Unless it is great lingerie that actually fits (we are not Victoria        
Secret models) stay away!
*Cash:  Unless you are our sugar-daddy, cash is only king at a casino or as a Bar Mitzvah gift
*ANY of the following: socks, an "I Love You this Much" statue, a gift certificate for Botox, a Weight Watchers or gym membership, car mats, his & hers recliners, a vacuum, DVD box set of "Family Guy," anything from Wal-Mart, a gas station or Big Lots

Now, I cannot give you the list you are waiting for: THE GOOD GIFT list.  You have to do some of the work, right?  We are women.  We like attention, compliments, hugs, & the long lost gesture: KISSING!!  We would like to make out on Valentine's Day.  At least I would.  

OK, boys.  The clock is ticking. Even if you have to sit though another viewing of 'The Notebook," take us to a nice dinner (or better yet, cook us dinner,) we just want to feel like you made an effort.  On V-Day, it really is the THOUGHT that counts.  Now go out there & make us proud.  Happy V.D. <3

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

G.T.L.... an intro to self-tanning

Get Tan Ladies! (sometimes i think I'm clever) 

My god, I am pasty white!  I really hate the color of my skin in winter.  It is kind of a white-green.  Just awful.  I know we are all in the same boat here.  Let's face it.  We all look & feel better with a tan.  So I have a few tips for you to get that gorgeous summertime glow all year long.

Self-tanners have come a long way.  But which ones do I choose? How do I apply it?  Will I look like an Oompa Loompa?  All valid questions.. There is a method to achieving a fab "faux" glow.  All of us have seen or experienced self-tanning mishaps.  They are not pretty.  But you can avoid these pitfalls by following a few easy steps.

This is the most important step! You need a nice smooth surface to work with, right?  Skipping this step will cause the tanner to go on unevenly & you will end up a streaky mess.  Use a body scrub all over, paying attention to joint areas like your knees, ankles & elbows. Don't forget about your face too! 


Lots of choices here, kids!  This process is going to be a trial & error type thing.  Every skin reacts differently.  By this, I mean the actual shade that your skin will turn.  Don't be fooled by the magazine ads.  You will not be a bronzed goddess with your first application.  It might take a little practice, but that is a good thing.  Don't pile it on or you will be sorry! (<-- please look, this poor girl)

You can start your trip to tan-town with a number of creams, foams & sprays.  I have experience with a number of these so, let me break them down for you.

Jergen's Natural Glow has been rated by Allure magazine as one of the best for home use.  The color develops gradually & lightly, so it pretty hard to mess up.  They have perfected the product since it was first launched & now comes in all different mediums for face & body broken down from light skin to dark.  If you are a newbie, this might be a nice first product for you.

You apply it like moisturizer.  The color is very faint, but with repeated use, does bronze up.  It turned a little too yellow on my skin. I also hated the smell.

TanTowel revolutionized the application process.  These are individual, product-soaked towelettes.  No drips, no mess & streak-free (so they say.) You apply to dry skin and the color develops in about 2-4 hours.  They have ones for the face & larger ones for the body.

I love these things.  They are easy to use, smell fruity & the color is pretty realistic.  They are great for maintaining a real tan as well; say after vacation or during the summertime.

Fake Bake (love the name) has a ton of tanning products. This is called the "air brush" tan.  It is an aerosol that you spray on to dry skin.  It immediately produces a tan color on your skin that you can use as a guide.  This eventually washes off & a stunning, brown tan is revealed underneath.  

This is not comparable to an actual "air brush" application.  This is a spray can.  It is tricky to get the hang of it at first, as it comes out fast & it is easy to over spray.  It also makes a complete mess. My bathroom was coated in pinkish-brown film.  Make sure you apply this in the shower or tub.  The tan, however, is really nice & brown.

Mystic Tan was one of the first to coin the phrase "automated airbrush" tanning.  You can find these booths at most traditional tanning salons.  Promoted as "UV Free" tanning, this procedure has you in a booth where the product is sprayed on by a machine on a 15 second timer.  You then must let it dry for a bit & you are good to go & will see results with in 4-6 hours.

I have had nothing but awful results with this.  You get into the booth & need to set yourself, hold your breath, get doused by tanner & then turn & get doused again.  I did this years ago a few days before a trip to Vegas.  By the time I was at the pool, my shins looked like I had multiple skin grafts. It was impossible for me to see how this can produce an even tan.

I have to say that my best advice for self tanning is to GO AIRBRUSH!  The REAL airbrush. The kind that is applied by hand & by a professional.  This produces the most even & realistic tan of all, in my opinion.  Again, you must come with completely exfoliated skin & loose clothing for afterward. Not for the modest, however, as you will get the best results if you are naked.  But no tan lines is a great thing!  I have had luck with both of these lines:

DISCLAIMER... I know we all have very good intentions, but sometimes, things don't always work out the way we would like.  
<----If you wake up looking like this

Immediately go here for help-->     How to Remove Self Tanner

So, no matter which route you choose, any of these options will have you bronzed in no time.  The "self" tan usually lasts from 5-7 days from the initial application.  You can always reapply help the color last & freshen it up as well. Good luck & have fun.  

Let me know how it glows.....

Monday, February 7, 2011

Going about our Business...

According to recent television commercials, there is an epidemic going on in the world.  Hunger?  Nope..  Poverty?  No.. 
It is feminine itching & dryness.. 

Is nothing sacred?  When did our privates become so public? Are there that many women out there suffering from this "embarrassing itching & odor?"  What is going on with these women?  Never mind the "difficulty having a bowel movement" and "an erection lasting for more than 6 hours."  My god people!  Is it really necessary to discuss these things while I'm trying to unwind watching reruns of Seinfeld?

These commercials make me uncomfortable.  There used to be just 1 or 2 ads that dared discuss these taboo subjects.  Remember Massengill? (<-- you have to watch this one.)  These women are disturbingly excited over the 2 choices they have for controlling their "not so fresh" feeling.  Extra cleansing?  If you are considering this option, maybe douching choices are not your biggest dilemma.  Who are these women?  Last time I checked, vinegar & water was for a salad dressing..not for personal use.  I don't ever recall asking anyone.. "Do you douche?"  I have used the term douche..but in a completely different context. 

Apparently, women also have a very big problem in the lubrication department.  KY has tried to convince us that adding their product to our "intimate encounters" will result in a cataclysmic explosion of sorts.  Really?  That's what it takes?  With all the lack of freshness and dryness, it is a miracle that any of us are even having any sex at all.
Don't even get me started on the E.D. ads.  I love that Cialis ones the best; "so you can be ready when the time is right!"  And by that they mean when you are doing the dishes, the laundry or when you are overlooking a lake in your own personal bathtubs

I am fine with ads for birth control pills, condoms, even the occasional tampon.  But when is T.M.I..well, T.M.I?

We are all adults here. Right?  Still, do we need to have everything out in the open.  Our monthly cycle, erection and bowel frequency?

I am a women.  I was brought up to always be fresh, lubricated & never let them see you...you know.  poop.
The functions, or lack there of, my gastrointestinal system is my business!  I do not need Jamie Lee Curtis telling me how to improve my digestive comfort.  I would rather remember her taking her top off in the movie "Trading Places" & not someone who is backed up..

So please..all you out there in TV land.  SHUT UP! Let us close the bathroom door & go about our business..in private.  Thank you!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Selling CRAZY.....

I was cruising the stations on cable last night.  A ritual that I have become accustomed to each evening after the kids are in bed.  I came across a compelling and equally disturbing new show on TLC called "My Strange Addiction."

It follows everyday people around who have..well, strange addictions. Let's take Kesha.  (No, not the slutty singer who claims to be Mick Jagger's daughter, although she is about as good looking as he is.)  This Kesha is addicted to eating toilet paper.  You heard me right.  She carries a roll around at all times & snacks on it day and night.  She especially "likes the 2-ply" as it doubles her pleasure.  Crazy, right?  Not to mention Lori, who has to run her hairdryer right next to her in bed while she sleeps. And let's not forget about Rebeca, who has over 200 pairs of shoes, thinks they have feelings, calls them her "babies" & worries about them while she is away.

WOW!  This show makes me feel really good about myself.  Maybe I'm not CRAZY.  It's kind of like watching Jersey Shore.  You sit in amazement, feel great, knowing that there are actually people out there who are this crazy, deranged, maladjusted & basically dumb!  (Not to down play any of the people on the TLC show.  I mean, they have real problems.)

We all have our own strange addictions right?  Things that we like or do & are too embarrassed to admit.  Our own special "crazy."

I can see you are all in denial right now so I'll go first..

My name is Susan and...

  I bite my nails..not too strange.  But really gross & I can't  stop.  My nails = stumps
  I like gummy coke bottles.. gross, again to most, but I love em!
  I sometimes dip my pizza crust in Coke..
  I actually like Glenn Beck & think his views on politics & history make a lot of sense
  I count on my fingers..I totally SUCK at math
  I have the following on my i Pod: Air Supply, the soundtrack to A Chorus Line, Rico Suave, Hanson and the Manah Manah song.. 
  I like wine coolers
  I know every song lyric & movie quote you can throw at me yet can't balance my checkbook

I suppose all these idiosyncrasies make us who we are. They make us unique. We all have something deep & dark that we don't want people to know about.  I think we should fess up.  Tell it all.. Let it fly!  

My point is this..

The jig is up...  We all have to stop trying to be someone we are not. It is the cause of most of the stress and heartache in our lives. And quite frankly, it is exhausting! You cannot be everything to everyone.  Especially if you are lying to yourself about who you REALLY are.  I don't mean to get  deep here, or anything.  I'm just saying that I am a mother.  Who honestly, doesn't LOVE it all the time. I don't have a perfect marriage, perfect kids & my house is just plain ole disaster.  If I tried to keep up with all the books & articles about "what a good person/mother/woman is I would have to be admitted to the hospital or an insane asylum.. (which is not too far off, kids)

You can see CRAZY in 2 ways:
            -weird, abnormal, bizzarre, dysfunctional


as I see CRAZY:
           -exceptional, extraordinary, atypical & remarkable

I love my crazy.  In the words of the aforementioned Ke$ha....

So, come on you freaks!! Own who you are & jump on my bandwagon of crazy.  You just might be in for the ride of your life!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Leave it to Beaver?

Captain Beaver!

 Tomorrow is Groundhogs Day.  The day grown men & women look to a rodent in the hopes that spring will be coming soon.  This is asinine. The groundhog, also known as the "woodchuck" (inserted the best Geico ad here, for your pleasure) or my fav, the "land beaver," will be yanked out of his cozy bed to either:

a. see his shadow, get frightened  & retreat back into his burrow for another 6 weeks, or
b. not see it, get excited & dance around with the portly fellow with the top hat

My question is this:  If it is daytime, won't a shadow be present no matter what?  Even a cloudy day can produce shadows, right?  I'm no meteorologist, but light = shadow in my book.  I think this is a sham.  We are screwed either way!

This got me thinking about the meaning of Groundhog Day.  For those of you who have not seen the movie by the same name, here is the jist:

 Bill Murray plays Phil Connors, an egocentric Pittsburgh TV weatherman who, during a hated assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, finds himself repeating the same day over and over again. After indulging in hedonism and numerous suicide attempts, he begins to reexamine his life and priorities.(thank you, Wikipedia)

I think that I am living this movie .. (minus the suicide attempts)  There are things that go on in home, every day..without fail, and through no fault of my own..NEVER CHANGE!!  Mind you I have 2 boys & a husband, so I am outnumbered here...but let me give you some examples:

Everyday, these things can be found in my house at any given time:
           -wet towels left on the floor
           -an empty toilet paper roll
           -at least one pair of "soiled" underwear
           -at least 2 unmade beds  (if I don't make em...forgetaboutit)
           -urine on, around or with in 4 feet of the toilet
           -single rogue socks
           -a laundry basket that miraculously refills itself overnight
           -a "surprise" in the bathroom toilet
Do these these things can make me want to reexamine my life? No..but they have made me question my birth control decisions. 

I suppose it goes with the territory. My life is a dizzying array of messes that I clean up..day after day.  This, my eager beavers , is not bliss!!  This is Albert Einsteins definition of insanity.  Doing the same thing over & over and expecting a different result.

So, whether Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow or not, I will still be here, in domestic hell...picking up socks, cleaning up pee..and dreaming of days where I can wear a silk robe, those slippers with the heels & marabou feathers & drink champagne in the mornings.  

Until then ladies..I'll be hiding in the garage, chain smoking & trying to get through another day in paradise. Happy G-day!