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Friday, February 18, 2011

Figure UN-friendly: Why I am a Fashion Don't

I had the pleasure of having some free time yesterday, so I decided to stop by the mall, browse the latest styles and maybe find something cute for myself.  I am an admitted fashion DON'T!  A hater of shopping & it shows.  My closet is like a fashion museum; filled with relics of all sizes, shapes & uniformly the color black.  (do they make clothing in other colors?)

Now there are some problems I seem to face when at the mall. What stores am I allowed to shop in?  I am turning 41 on Sunday.  (OUCH!  That one hurt..)  I find myself in a quandary.  I'm too old to shop at Forever 21 right?  But not quite old enough to mail it in & shop at Talbots.  I'm stuck between the ultra-low rise & the elastic waist band.  Am I the only one who has this problem?

The fact is that woman's clothing is not made to fit me. (or any woman that I know.) I am of average height, and according to the universal "figure" shape chart, I'm considered hourglass.  In other words, I have boobs & a big ass.  This used to be considered feminine & sexy.. Not so much anymore.  Woman's clothing is an absolute joke, in my opinion.  If you have no ass, no boobs & no hips then you are in luck.  These clothes will fit you, but the downside is you most likely look like my 12 year old nephew.  

After a few hours of cruising the stores, I have GREAT news ladies!! The 80's are back. This is how I know I'm getting old.  I can go into most of these stores & pick out the identical outfit I wore for my Senior pictures. 

This spring we have the privilege of choosing from the following trends:

Ruffles:  Honestly, they are not feminine. They are silly & I feel like a pirate. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld: "I don't want to be a pirate!" Plus, if you are well endowed, you really do not need any more fluff in & around the chest area, right?

Leggings:  My god!  I wish I was born with skinny legs but I wasn't.  And after looking around the mall, I guess that is not a prerequisite when deciding to wear theses.  They are like thick tights.  Yea, that's a really nice look, especially when paired with a tunic-type top.  (laden with sarcasm here...)  My advice: buy a full-length mirror.

Skinny Jeans:  Has anyone seen the state of America when it comes to weight?  Skinny is not a good trend for us right now, or ever!  BTW..if you are not "skinny" these jeans will not make you look like you are. Do we really have to wonder why some many women have eating disorders?

Other things I have seen gracing the store shelves & racks that frighten me:

Shirts with shoulder pads, neon clothing & accessories, feather earrings, ponchos, legwarmers & I actually saw a banana clip today at the checkout.

Someone make it stop!  Seriously..why don't they just reopen Tello's & Chess King & get it over with.

So, on top of these horrid trends, I still do not have a "go-to" store to shop at.  Just because I am a mom of two & in my "early" forties, do I have to dress like something out of The Preppy Handbook? Or, do I just pretend I'm shopping with my teenage daughter that I don't have & pick out something at Express.  

I don't know.  It is depressing.  There needs to be a store for that "I'm not young but not an member of AARP" age group.  I cannot wear jeans with a zipper that is 2 inches long nor do I want jeans that sit right below my nipples.  I have enough body issues, thank you! 

If this is a depiction of "average" American women:

Then how are we supposed to look good wearing this:

So if any of you out there have any advice for me I would greatly welcome it.  If you need me I will be IN the closet.  And I wont be coming out anytime soon.

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