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Friday, February 11, 2011

VD: an Idiots Guide to Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again gentlemen!  The dreaded Valentine's Day.  A day dedicated "to celebrating the love & affection between intimate companions."  I can just feel the unbridled enthusiasm in all of you. Honestly, I believe V-day is really just another ploy by Hallmark & Russel Stover.  Can any man really measure up to our expectations on this day?

This "holiday" really seems to put a lot of pressure you boys.  The right gift, the right card, the right 4 carat diamond... Now, it is important to understand that we are women.  Women like romance.  We like the "thought" or the idea that you took the time to pick a gift or card out.  That you put some effort into it. I am sure each of you can recall a V-day disaster & hope to avoid another one at all costs.  

If you know anything about women, there are 3 dates circled on our calendars.  Our birthday, anniversary & Valentines Day.  (Of course this is me talking, but I am woman & I am confident that most women would agree.)  We have a certain expectation on these days.  In lay terms, we want something from you.  

I have a hunch that since V-day is in 3 days, most of you have not even gotten a card or gift yet.  With this in mind, I decided to make a handy reference guide for you studs.  One that will make you look like a hero & keep your woman on cloud nine for weeks to come.

Step 1:  The Card

I grew up in a "card-giving" household. (My mother should be a shareholder at Hallmark.) Cards are can cost you 5-6 dollars a pop, which is a ripoff.  But I'll let you in on a little secret.  Card = thought.  The right card can score you big points in the romance department; thus you = hero.  Don't discount that you really do "care enough to send the very best."  Once, my husband did not get me a card for Mother's Day citing "you are not MY mother."  Well, I don't need to tell you the wrath that was unleashed after that incident.  Rule #1.. GET A CARD!!

Step 2:  The Flowers

YES..there is total price gauging going on here.  A total sham.  A month ago, you could get a dozen roses for $19.99.  This month they are $50 & up. Crazy, I know.  Now, we will tell you "don't spend the money" on flowers or that "we don't want them."  Secret...We are lying.  We ALWAYS love & secretly want you to get us flowers.  It is the quintessential expression of love & again, romance.  (are you seeing a theme here?) Let's just say I have never seen a women disappointed when she received flowers.  Go get em & get the good ones.  (for those who are confused:  Roses = good / Carnations = Bad)  And if you really want bonus points, send them to her workplace.  Nothing like the look on her those jealous female co-workers faces when you have a heaping bouquet of love delivered.  Trust me!

Step 3:  The Candy

Albeit a bit hokey, candy is another staple in the V-day gift-giving ritual. We all love chocolate for the most part & who can resist those heart-shaped boxes of decadent delights?  Not me.. It is a nice addition but should never be the "main" gift.  Like flowers, it is an accompaniment. 

Step 4: The Gift

This is where is gets bit tricky boys.  Gift giving can be quite an enigma for most of you. It is the ultimate result of your main goal here : THE THOUGHT!  Again, this is obviously very personal & all ladies have different likes & wants (good luck with that, BTW)  I am going to simplify this so even the most clueless Romeo can score big.  If you can avoid any of the gifts below, then you should come out on top. (and maybe your women will too, if you are lucky.)

*Vermont Teddy Bear: Come on, are we 10?  Silly & lacking thought 
*Pajamagram:  No infomercial gifts please.  It's like getting a Snuggie. Cute, but not good.
*Appliances:  Nothing says I love you like a food processor?  BAD! 
*Clothing: Are you our grammy?  Unless it is great lingerie that actually fits (we are not Victoria        
Secret models) stay away!
*Cash:  Unless you are our sugar-daddy, cash is only king at a casino or as a Bar Mitzvah gift
*ANY of the following: socks, an "I Love You this Much" statue, a gift certificate for Botox, a Weight Watchers or gym membership, car mats, his & hers recliners, a vacuum, DVD box set of "Family Guy," anything from Wal-Mart, a gas station or Big Lots

Now, I cannot give you the list you are waiting for: THE GOOD GIFT list.  You have to do some of the work, right?  We are women.  We like attention, compliments, hugs, & the long lost gesture: KISSING!!  We would like to make out on Valentine's Day.  At least I would.  

OK, boys.  The clock is ticking. Even if you have to sit though another viewing of 'The Notebook," take us to a nice dinner (or better yet, cook us dinner,) we just want to feel like you made an effort.  On V-Day, it really is the THOUGHT that counts.  Now go out there & make us proud.  Happy V.D. <3

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