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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ode to Billy Mays: My Infomercial Addiction

You know the drill.  It's midnight, you can't sleep, & you are navigating through 200 channels of crap on T.V.  Then it happens.  You get sucked into the dreaded infomercial.   Infomercials intrigue me.  I am a sucker for the hard sell.  I find these displays of selling irresistible.  I can't look away.

Over the years. I admit to giving in & actually purchasing some of these items, systems & gadgets.  I have gotten out of bed, half-naked & run downstairs to grab the credit card to order. (I mean, if I don't order within the next 10 minutes I won't get my bonus gift, right?)  You don't really get buyers remorse until you realize that the Jupiter Jack is really a piece of crap.  Damn you, Billy Mays!  (may he rest in peace...)

Let's take a minute to reflect on some of my late-night, impulse purchases through the years.

There was the Smart Spin.  The answer to all my Tupperware storage problems.  I must have thought that this was really important because I bought two of them.  Honestly, this is a great product.  All the containers & lids are housed in a plastic lazy-susan that fits in my cabinet.  Good purchase.

Then I felt the need to say "NO" to dull, dry hair & purchased the WEN haircare system.  Maybe I'm a sucker for Melissa "half-pint" Gilbert.  Her hair did look really shiny.  They call it a  "cleansing  conditioner" for your hair.  It is really a thick lotion that is supposed to wash, condition & give you movie-star type hair.  Unfortunately, it gave me greasy, dull, looks-like-I don't -shower hair.  I did get a free comb.  Woo hoo?  Sucked!

Next was the GT Xpress 101.  It sounds like a type of jet engine, but it is really a "quick & easy way" to prepare meals.  Suuuuuuuure!  That super-perky redhead fixes pizza, omelettes, desserts & a freakin' pork roast in a device that is 6inx6in & has the heating power of the Easy Bake oven.  I had trouble making a grilled cheese in this thing.  Wow, I am a sucker!  It is now collecting dust in the basement with my Espresso maker I HAD to have on my bridal registry.

I am the proud owner of P90x.  Tony Horton is not only amazingly motivating, he is also a genetic FREAK!  This was really a purchase for my husband.  I do not have the drive to work out for 60 minutes a day with that kind of intensity.  I want to cry just watching the commercial.  (I get winded getting dressed for heaven's sake) Plyometrics, body-crushing yoga & the Ab-ripper?  Come on, this was not my cup of tea.

Others on the list:

I have received the Bare Minerals starter kit.  It is a makeup "revolution" after all. I do love this one! 

Pro-active & Murad Complex for my supposed acne control problems, which in reality sucked every bit of oil & moisture out of my face. I looked like a climber that had just scaled Mount Everest. Pretty!

The aforementioned Jupiter Jack (crap,) Mighty Putty and Oxi Clean.  Oxi Clean really does work & is worth buying.  Billy Mays did have a gift, didn't he?

I was seriously one second away from buying that "Make Money Placing Ads" system from that pee-wee of a guy, Don Lapre, who lives in the mansion with some hookers in an undisclosed tropical location.  He is a self-made gazillionaire from placing "tiny" classified ads.  I may have been drunk watching this & it made perfect sense at the time.  All I need a computer & $39.95. (plus shipping & handling of course)
I need to lay off the booze.

We all fall victim to these ads out there.  "Are you alone, tired, lonely, poor?" "Do you have insomnia, multiple-personality disorder, gout?" "Are you fat, thin, ugly, sprouting a third arm?"  We can justify our spending very easily. 

I suggest changing the channel the next time you come across these manipulative ads.  They prey on the tired & weak. Hide your Visa & go to sleep.  Really, you will thank me in the morning.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Big 4-OH!

Things that happen to you when you turn 40:

*Everything gets "softer," in a Pillsbury-Dough-Boy kind of way
*When you lay down, your boobs magically disappear
*You cannot stay awake past 9pm without the help of Red Bull, Monster or Jolt (do they still make that?)
*Those loud girls at the bar now annoy you (although YOU used to be one of them)
*A "Threesome" for you now consists of sweatpants, the couch & Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives
*Your drug of choice is now Motrin
*Freckles that were once "cute" have now morphed into age spots
*Your ass looks more & more like a 42 inch television screen
*Your lingerie draw has gone from Victoria's Secret to Spanx
*You now justify wearing "sensible" shoes for comfort
*The Time-Life Classic Rock Collection now includes Motley Crue, Guns n Roses & Metallica

Getting old sucks!  Just sayin....

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Down with the Sickness

March is almost history.  This cold weather has got to go, although the 10 day forecast doesn't look too promising.  As a mother of two boys I am in constant germ-fighting mode.  Boys are adorable but they are not known for their hygiene skills.  Keeping them healthy is my # 1 priority.  This is a daunting task.

The basic precautions are taken in my home. Anti-bacterial soap, wipes, hand sanitizer.  When they get off that bus it is straight to the bathroom to scrub off other snotty kids germs.  I wish I had one of those high-pressure showers like they have in power plants. You know the ones where your skin is stripped down raw.  I know that most of these methods are not fool-proof, but they can't hurt.  I am one illness away from putting them in a plastic bubble.

This year we had our flu shots & have been pretty lucky so far.  I know I'm going to regret talking about this.  I'm totally superstitious about that sort of thing.  As soon as I mention it, it happens.  (Yes, I am a bit of a lunatic)  I interrogate my boys when they get home.  "Who is out in your class?" "What do they have?" "Don't sit next to anyone who is breathing!"  Yes, it is crazy. 

The dreaded stomach flu has made the rounds all year long.  This is my worst fear.  I will take a fever, croup, snots, rubella & even the plague (is that still around?) if I can avoid the "puke-bug."  Even the mere mention of this makes me feel nauseous.  GROSS!!  Please spare us, God of sickness.  Not that!

Boys are funny when it comes to washing up.  My kids take a shower every morning.  This is not commonplace, but I love that they do.  (What's up with those kids taking a tub 3x a week?  Yuck.)  My kids are clean, for the most part. I am sure there are questionable things like running the water without actually putting their hands in it, boogie picking & not-so-thorough wiping of the bum.  Again, they are boys.  They are not too concerned about these things.

Elementary school is like a big petri dish.  All sorts of germs festering away, wait to find a vulnerable host to latch on to.  I just gave myself goose-bumps typing that.  Ewwww.  The number of snot-covered sleeves must be enormous.  I'm not sure that coughing into the elbow is going to remedy this problem.

Parents are to blame too.  They send their infected kiddies to school.  Please stop it!  Good rule of thumb for keeping your child home:

1. If their cough sounds like an elderly goose who smokes
2. If the nose is dripping anything green, yellow or slime-like
3. If they are flushed, lethargic or if they have a rash resembling a Papa-Ginos tabletop 

Really basic stuff here people.  Let's work together to keep our kids healthy.  Spring can't come soon enough.  Until then, the bio-hazard suits are still an option around here. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Happy Feet: DIY Pedicure

Is there anything more decadent than a pedicure?  I have always be totally obsessed with them.  I love when my feet are perfectly manicured.  Especially in the winter.  Nothing better!!

Spring is here and it is time to get those tootsies sandal-worthy.  Scraggly, funky toes are not acceptable. Nobody wants to see that. If a belt sander needs to be brought in, you are in dire need a pedicure!

Along with being an Esthetician (for the lay person, I do facials, waxing etc.) I am also a licensed nail technician.  When I was working in the spa I loved to do pedicures.  I know, people always have that reaction you just had.  GROSS!  Really it was quite the opposite for me.  Feet are not that bad.  I would much rather touch someones feet than their hands.  (Who knows where a person's hands have been? Yuck!)  Feet soak in a warm, disinfecting bath before you touch.

People are funny about their feet. I say get over it!  If you have never had a pedicure, you haven't lived.  A warm soak, nails trimmed & shaped, cuticles cleaned up & those heels buffed to a smooth finish.  The best part is the scrub & massage.  If you are lucky enough to get a good pedi, they go all the way to the knee & it is a little slice of heaven.  Foot massage = bliss.

Of course you could give yourself a pedicure at home (but that is not as much fun.)  You need just a few tools to transform those piggies from funky to fab. 

Here is what you will need:

Nail file (a heavier grit type) & straight-edge clipper
Cuticle pusher stick (a.k.a. orange wood)
Foot file
Toe separators
Salt scrub
Foot Lotion
Base Coat
Nail Color
Fast-dry Top Coat

1. It is best to soak your feet for at least 10 minutes before you start to soften then up.  I like to do it after getting out of the shower.

2. Trim nails straight across to the top of he skin line. (Avoid cutting them too short or too deep. Ouch!) and then gently file them till smooth.  I like to square the top & have a bit of a rounded side.  Make sure there are no sharp corners.  (You don't to impale yourself or someone else)

3. Apply cuticle remover cream & gently push back the cuticles.  If you have experience with the nipper, slowly trim away any excess.  Be careful!!

4. Use the foot buffer to smooth away dead skin (sounds gross, but it is a must!) then generously apply scrub to the foot & leg.  No need to rip your skin off, just easily work it in & let the salt do the work. Then rinse.

5. Use a thick foot cream & massage in to hydrate the skin.

6. Take alcohol on a cotton ball & swipe over the nails to remove any excess oil & slip in toe separators.

7.  Polish: base coat, 2 coats of color & top coat.  For any mistakes, use a little remover on the tip of the orange wood stick to clean up any rogue polish on the skin.

You are now ready to don your favorite sandals, open-toe heels or go barefoot without horrifying the neighbors.  Treat yourself today girls.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Losing MY Religion

2010 was the year of death at my house.  We lost 2 grandparents, one uncle & 2 co-workers.  It is not plesant to be getting older & having to deal with this.  You know when the phone rings after 11pm that it can't be good news.

My children are 6 & 7 and I still have not really had to "explain" the whole death thing to them yet.  We just give the ol "they went to heaven" thing.  Then I think about the fact that my kids do not go to church.  Do they even know what heaven is?   This makes me often question my decision, or really, non-decision, to raise my kids Catholic like I was.

When I was little you went to church.  I grew up in a town that was 1/2 Catholic & 1/2 Jewish.  (I remember being pissed that I didn't get to have a Bat Mitzvah when I turned 13.)  We went to C.C.D. after school & begrudgingly went church on Saturday afternoons or Sunday mornings.  I recieved my first communion, was confirmed, went to confession & got married in the Catholic church.  It was what you did, without question.  Now that I am a mother, I often question my true religious beliefs.  I am also married to a man who is not religious at all.  He is not buying into that "man in the sky that is watching" thing.  So that doesn't help either.

Growing up in a Catholic household meant you were consumed with guilt..  Top that with being Italian & we are talking serious guilt.  I suppose that religion has it's benefits when broken down.  It makes you feel like you must take responsibility for your actions.  You will have to answer to someone eventually.  (In other words, GUILT!)  I am not saying this is bad.  I do believe religion was created for that purpose.  To keep people civilized & give them peace. Now that I am older & able to fully understand, I see that religion has often proven to be the complete opposite of that.  Much of the worlds unrest & chaos is often said to be in the name of religion.

I'm not looking to preach, start any drama or press MY beliefs on anyone here. Nor do I need anyone else to tell me what to believe in.  There is no right or wrong here. I think people should believe in what they want & should not be judged.  Whatever helps you sleep at night.  I'm thinking about my children. 

When my first son was born we had to decide whether or not to have him baptized.  My family is Catholic on all different levels.  Some are the "hoilday" Catholics & some are hard-core.  (I'm talkin about a reception after a baptism or first communion that would rival the scene straight out the the movie "The Godfather II")  I knew that I was not going to do it in the Catholic chruch.  Both my son's Godparents are gay & I was not cool with the idea that they are not "accepted" in the church.  We went the Espiscopal route.  They had a kinder, less judgemental approach.  When my second son was born we did something that some would consider unorthodox, but I thought was the most personal & coolest thing ever.  We had him baptized at home.  Now, don't think this is nuts but I hired a priest via a 800 serivice.  These priest's were once part of the church but left to get married.  I don't really see that as a bad thing.  It was aweome!

In my home I have spoken of Jesus, God, the meaning of Christmas & Easter.  My boys look forward to reading the Advent book every night in December as a countdwon to Christmas Eve.  There are glimmers of religion but no solid, clear cut "this is what you should believe!"  Is that bad?  I don't think so.

I guess I am writing this out of....guilt.  I believe in God.  A higher power. I pray. (usually in the selfish, I need something way)  I just want my boys to grow up to be honest & good.  To do the right thing & take responsbilty for their actions.  I'm not sure that guilt is the way to do that anymore.  All I can do is be the best mother I can be, lead by example, be a good person myself & hope that I can instill these admirable qualities in them.  For right now, I am at peace with that and that works for me.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Losing it!

After my week long adventure to Florida I had an epiphany.  The only thing more painful than posing for a picture that my mother is taking ("honey, why doesn't this damn camera work?) is seeing the footage of yourself at the beach in a bikini.  Yes, she pressed the video button by accident.  My goodness!  The horror...  

I admit that I am a lazy person when it comes to diet & exercise.  I was an athlete my whole life, I don't understand.  Honestly, I would rather eat shards of glass than walk on a treadmill.  But after viewing this video of my pasty, winter-ravaged body, I thought it was time to motivate. I got my husband on board too, so I have someone to answer to.

We kicked around all the diet options.  Weight Watchers: good, healthy premise & success rate but why do I need to pay $50 bucks to have them count calories & come up with my "magic" number?  Nutrisystem:  Pre-packaged food that looks pretty gross & SO expensive.  Maybe the Charlie Sheen diet?  Crack, hookers & chain-smoking yourself into a gaunt, shell of a person?  NAH!  We needed something easy that would allow us to cook real food.  To the app store we went........

 We decided to download a free app on the iPhone called My Fitness Pal.  This is nothing new or genius but I think I found my miracle.  It's basically a calorie counter. Like Weight Watchers without the membership fee. You put in your weight now (which I will not disclose) and your goal weight.  Along with that you choose your activity level.  I chose "lightly active."  Typing burns calories, right?  It then calculates the number of calories you need to meet daily to lose weight.  You track every food & drink you have & the database has EVERYTHING you can imagine.  This may sound tedious to some of you, but it is actually very informative.  After doing this for 5 days I find myself making different choices.  Better, healthier ones. 

It is not easy.  They have me at 1370 calories a day.  That is next to nothing to eat.  As I sit here, I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.  But, if this is what it takes to motivate me then so be it.  When I think about what used to regularly eat daily, I must have been at 2000 calories or more.  Now, I am lucky.  I must have a good metabolism or good genes because I pretty much ate whatever I wanted.  By that I mean a lot of crap.  I don't gain a ton of weight, but you know when your body gets... you know, pppbbbbblllllllllt.  (Click on the link to see what I mean.) Can I still call it "baby weight" even though my kids are 6 & 7?

I think dieting is the worst.  I am totally obsessing about eating.  This app has made me think before I eat, which is good, I guess.  I would knock back a 6 pack of Twisted Tea on the weekend & think nothing of it.  Each of those suckers has 200 calories.  What a waste!  I don't even get a buzz or anything.  If I had 3 or 4 that is practically my entire calorie count for the day.  Nevermind the random chicken nuggets, scoops of mac & cheese & chip-ahoy cookies that I would steal off my kids plates.  I need to STOP THE INSANITY!

One amazing thing this app has done is actually given me a reason to exercise.  Exercise = additional calories added to my day.  If I want to eat more...I gotta get my ass moving. 30 minutes on the stepmill = 4 Girl Scout Thin Mints.. Yes!  Again, nothing new.  It is funny what motivates us.  But I am getting excited about this. 

I have body issues, like all of us.  My problem area seems to be the THASS.  That is my pet term for the combination, thigh-ass thing I got going on.  NOT attractive.  There should be some sort of definition between the two.  I'm looking forward to seeing that.

My next goal is to stop smoking.  (I can feel your judgement)  I mean, what is the point of being thin if your dead?

So I say do whatever works for YOU.  It is hard enough to stay motivated.  Hopefully, I can stay on track with the help of my new Pal & be able to comfortably sport a bikini this summer.  (or at least distinguish my thighs from my ass)  Who's with me?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Good Vibrations: yes..it is about THAT

Sometimes I wish I could be as candid as Samantha Jones, don't you?  I mean really, we all have taken a trip or two around the "neck massager" aisle at Brookstone haven't we?  Why is it so important that in this day & age women cannot be sexually straight-forward?  I don't get it.  Let's say it out loud, shall we?

VIBRATOR!!!!  That was liberating wasn't it?

We all have a bedside drawer with something special in it don't we?  OK, maybe I'm the sick one, but at least I can own up to it.  My "neck" can get a bit sore from time to time & need a little "massaging."  What is wrong with that?  What used to be taboo has become commonplace in households everywhere.  Yes, even in your neighborhood.

Studies have been done & the facts are in.  According to a study by two Indiana Universities, vibrators are used by approximately 53% of women  ages 18 to 60! (I think the number is higher..they are just the shy ones.) Good for us. The history behind the vibrator is very interesting.  Early on, the vibrator was prescribed by doctors to treat female "hysteria."  I was also suggested to women who were depressed to enhance their mood.  That is one way of dealing with depression, I guess.

What was once found lurking in the dark back room of adult video stores & the back pages of Penthouse can now be found at CVS.  It is a health & beauty aid, right?  You can pick up some lip gloss, soap & a silver bullet.  How convenient. These studies have also found that women who owned vibrators had an overall better sexual health & awareness.  So that is a plus, too!

I have been married for 15 years.  I do not have to go into the ins & outs (pardon the term) of long-term couples, married or not, and their sexual habits.  We all know.  It takes a little spark (or just a few C batteries, in some cases) to fire us up.  I mean, once you say "I do" you are pretty much eliminating foreplay from the sexual repertoire.  Am I right girls?  Sad, but true.  Now, as with any intricate machinery, the proper lubrication, heat & combustion is needed for the engine to start (wow, that analogy even impressed me.)  This isn't breaking news.  I remember when the Divinyls came out with "I Touch Myself" and it created such a crazy buzz.  OMG...she talking about..you know..  Come on!  Let's not forget about "She Bop" too.  What did you really think Cyndi was talking about? 

Now, I am not talking about shouting "I love my jackrabbit!" from the roof top here.  I am also not suggesting that this be the new topic of conversation at the bus stop. There is a  reason we hide "our little friend" (can anyone say that line without a bad Cuban, Al Pacino accent?) in the back of the drawer.  It is personal.  A personal massager, for minor aches & pains... Ache: as in I have a minor headache & just need to relax and fall asleep quickly or Pain: as in you are being a pain in the ass & I just need to relax and fall asleep quickly.  Sorry, I cannot help myself.

I am glad that vibrators have gone mainstream.  At least you don't have to feel like a total freak anymore.  I mean have you ever been to V.I.P?  I have (for research purposes only, of course..lol) & let me tell you, it is a good time for all in there. There are women there.  Lots of them, with carts overflowing.  Why is this bad or embarrassing?  I say go for it ladies! 

In this day & age we need to own our sexuality.  Sexuality does not necessarily mean sex.  It is the true essence of being a women & embracing who we are.  After centuries of repressing our feelings it is time to tell ourselves it is OK to feel & be sexual.  No judgement.  Is there anything better than being a women?  Being sexy?  WE define what sexy is.  Not society. Not Victoria's Secret.  Not men.  WE do!  I believe confiedence is sexy.  Trying to be something we are not doesn't fly anymore. Be comfortable in your own skin.  It is not easy.  We are the toughest critics on ourselves.  STOP IT!!  You are beautiful.  You just have to believe it.

I think we all have a little Samatha Jones in all of us.  You might be surprised how much.  We gotta own it ladies.  Now get out there & own it! 

I leave you with the deep & meaningful words of Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch.  Enjoy!

Monday, March 7, 2011

10 Things That Make Me Happy

1. The sound of full-on belly laughing from my two sons
2. The smell of Indian-Summer days in late winter. 
3. Unsolicited hugs & I Love You's
4. Starbuck's iced grande cinnamon dolce latte
5. An empty laundry basket
6. My husband's homemade Hungarian mushroom soup & beef wellington
7. 80' on 8 on Sirus XM cranked up with the windows down
8. Pedicures, tan skin & getting my hair blown dry
9. Fresh sheets
10. Playing the piano & singing through the PA in an empty house

or just when everything stops..and I realize how lucky I am..

Thursday, March 3, 2011

ma-DAM it all!

You know you are getting old when you are referred to as "Madam."  I got madam'd yesterday.  I turned around looking for Bea Arthur (although that would be hard since she is dead.)  Madam?  Really?  I understand this is just a polite way to address a women, but it still depresses me to no end.   I like to think that I am secure in my age, how I feel & how I look as a women of 41.  But maybe I'm kidding myself.  YEP, I am kidding myself.  Madam sucks!

Let's take a look at some Madams just to prove my point.

<--Madame Curie:  She's a looker.  A Polish-born French chemist & physicist known for her work in radioactivity.  She sounds like a  hoot!

Madame de Pompadour:  -->
She was a stunner too.  Most famous for being King Louis XV's mistress, not for her youthful good looks..

Are you getting my point?  Madam = old & withered.  Two very, very bad words.  Now let's not forget the most famous one of all....

Heidi Fleiss: The madam to the stars. Arrested for running a brothel in California and hooking (pun..lol) Charlie Sheen up regularly. She looks like the love child between Karen Allen & The Joker with a hint of Courtney Cox sans makeup..

Madam, in any sense of the word, is neither complimentary nor respectful in my book.  To hell with chivalry!  Couldn't I at least get a Miss?  I would even accept a Ma'am.  Damn you cashier at Target!  (or should I say maDAM you!!)  Sad thing is he probably was old enough to be my son.  It's bad enough I am getting mailers from AARP, found 2 gray eyelashes & I can't stay awake past 9pm, now this?   This growing old gracefully is crap.  How I long for the days of all-nighters & vodka shots until you go blind.  They are just a distant memory. 

So it is official, I AM OLD! If you need me in my rocking chair, sipping on a gimlet & watching reruns of The Golden Girls...cue the catchy theme song.

and then there's Maude! 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I for-GOT Your Back: Manscaping Part II

I realized in my blog writing frenzy that I neglected to address one part of the male body in my post yesterday.  The oh-so-dreaded BACK HAIR.  How did I totally space on this?  When I got to thinking, it is because back hair really deserves an entire entry.

When I think about back hair I envision a few disturbing images. 

George "the animal" Steele is the first.  Growing up, my brother was (and still is) obsessed with wrestling.  This was my first encounter with out-of-control back hair. (and also seeing a human being eat a turnbuckle.)

Chewbacca is another image I have.  But he was bad-ass, so it really isn't a negative one.  When applied to humans it is referred to as ChewBACKa.

Back hair is also loving known as the "man sweater," the "cave coat," or the "rug back."   This fuzzy coating can vary in density & length and usually depends on ones ethnicity, age or pure bad luck.  Again, I have had much experience in back hair and its removal.  It was a pain-staking & arduous task for me & the poor bastard on the table.  What I never understood, was when a gentleman would want all the back hair removed,  yet left the chest hair untouched. 

Waxing is a great option for your guys here if you have light to medium hair growth on your back. The results are fantastic if you can get through the actual process

With waxing, the more you do it, the softer the hair gets.  When you remove hair from the root, it has to completely regrow, thus getting weaker & weaker over time.  This has been an argument for some time, but trust me.  I'm a professional & an Italian girl.  I know about hair.

Now, if you are one with a total thicket on your back you might have a problem with waxing.  Take a look at Prickly Pete here below.  There is no line of demarcation between the back & front.  So if you were to wax..where do you stop?  This poor guy has the hair sleeve going on too. 

If you thought for a minute that this was a picture of you.. I have one word: LASER.  Laser treatments for back hair are very successful. Laser works well on those with dark hair.  I'll make i t easy here.  Laser energy, or light, is absorbed by dark objects. Thus causing damage to the object (your hair) and not your skin.  It is a costly procedure and you would need to get several, but if you are getting tired of all the woolly-mammoth jokes, you should consider it.

There is also an area that many men forget about.  The hair on the lower back.  You know, the little seedlings that look like they are trying to escape out of your waistband?  The "lower back bush" needs to be removed.  Hopefully you have that special someone who can let you know you have these suckers poking out.

I do believe this completes my tutorial on manscaping.  (I don't have time to go into the toenail situation) I hope this has shed some light on how to keep yourself smooth & kissable.  Just remember..we love you, hairy or not.  Good luck out there!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Pretty BALLS-y: The Art of Manscaping

Due to some adult content..please read this out loud.  No, really.  Not for your kids ok?

Due to overwhelming requests (OK..like 6) I had to tackle this subject.  I mean, are the ladies the only ones who need to "weed the garden?"  That would be a big, fat NO!  Boys..we love you & your manly ways, but it's time to talk seriously about this hairy situation. Pun intended!  I had the pleasure (dripping with sarcasm) of waxing a few men in my life.  One word : AWKWARD!

Manscaping  is defined as the "grooming" of a man.  In more specific terms, cleaning up the man-hair.  This doesn't just apply to below the waist.  Let's take it from the top.  You may be a candidate if you sport any of the following:

EYEBROWS that look like you just had electro-shock treatments.  You can safely trim this mess by brushing them up & trimming away the hairs that actually touch your forehead.

Now I love a nice groomed brow, but men are taking it too far these days.  I do not want to see any more of this boys! Sorry Vinny.  These are too feminine..bordering on drag-queen.

The same can be applied to another phenomena, EAR & NOSE HAIR.  Obviously this image is a bit exaggerated, but you get the picture.  Unless you are pushing 80, nothing should be protruding from either of these areas.

   Get yourself one of these & use it!---->

Chest hair is another area of dispute.  Clean-shaven chests were usually only sported by bodybuilders, Olympic swimmersexotic dancers, Mario Lopez (a.k.a. Slater) & the WWF.  Let me simplify:

<--BAD   GOOD-->

Now....here is the part of the discussion that you are waiting for: Below the belt.  It used to be that men need not be concerned with the appearance their "private" parts. Their "tools of the trade" were left in their natural state & it was up to those who encountered them to navigate their way though the forest.  Times are-a changing gentlemen!  (that link is priceless)

I am a woman.  I have friends that are women.  Women talk.  I have had discussion at length (lol) about this topic.  At some point in our romantic lives, we have all found ourselves in a less than desirable situation when we have "gone below." Optimal conditions usually produce optimum performance, if you know what I'm saying.

Now, we all have varied opinions on body hair.  Some women LOVE hair & some prefer a neater version.  I think it is a two-way street.  If you expect us to rip out every bit of our fuzz we would like you to reciprocate & consider "trimming the hedges."

I am not talking about being completely bare down there. Unless you work for Chippendale's, that might scare some people.  But would it kill you to trim it up a bit?  No one wants to lose a finger or any other body part down there.  I have actually had this discussion with some of my male friends as well.  (Their names will be kept confidential to avoid any embarrassing jokes, but you know who you are.)  They all admitted to having clean-shaven, for lack of a better term, balls.  I'm all for bald balls.  Thinking this may be a daunting task for you newbies out there, I have a wonderful article I found to help you.  It is from a website (and honestly, I kid you not) called  "Shave-My-Balls.com."   Wow, the Internet is a great thing!  Just be smart & careful.  Wax is not an option here.  A fresh razor should do the trick and lots of soap.  No need to get fancy.  I have also heard a rumor that if you cut back the rough then you will appear "larger" to the naked eye.  I guess that's a bonus.

Spring training is in session.  It is time for those bats & balls to see more action.  Dont' you think they would if your field of dreams was groomed to perfection?  I guess if you trim it, they will come. Think about it.... 

I think I need to cut back on the coffee.

Long of the short (maybe a bad segue), just remember: