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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ode to Billy Mays: My Infomercial Addiction

You know the drill.  It's midnight, you can't sleep, & you are navigating through 200 channels of crap on T.V.  Then it happens.  You get sucked into the dreaded infomercial.   Infomercials intrigue me.  I am a sucker for the hard sell.  I find these displays of selling irresistible.  I can't look away.

Over the years. I admit to giving in & actually purchasing some of these items, systems & gadgets.  I have gotten out of bed, half-naked & run downstairs to grab the credit card to order. (I mean, if I don't order within the next 10 minutes I won't get my bonus gift, right?)  You don't really get buyers remorse until you realize that the Jupiter Jack is really a piece of crap.  Damn you, Billy Mays!  (may he rest in peace...)

Let's take a minute to reflect on some of my late-night, impulse purchases through the years.

There was the Smart Spin.  The answer to all my Tupperware storage problems.  I must have thought that this was really important because I bought two of them.  Honestly, this is a great product.  All the containers & lids are housed in a plastic lazy-susan that fits in my cabinet.  Good purchase.

Then I felt the need to say "NO" to dull, dry hair & purchased the WEN haircare system.  Maybe I'm a sucker for Melissa "half-pint" Gilbert.  Her hair did look really shiny.  They call it a  "cleansing  conditioner" for your hair.  It is really a thick lotion that is supposed to wash, condition & give you movie-star type hair.  Unfortunately, it gave me greasy, dull, looks-like-I don't -shower hair.  I did get a free comb.  Woo hoo?  Sucked!

Next was the GT Xpress 101.  It sounds like a type of jet engine, but it is really a "quick & easy way" to prepare meals.  Suuuuuuuure!  That super-perky redhead fixes pizza, omelettes, desserts & a freakin' pork roast in a device that is 6inx6in & has the heating power of the Easy Bake oven.  I had trouble making a grilled cheese in this thing.  Wow, I am a sucker!  It is now collecting dust in the basement with my Espresso maker I HAD to have on my bridal registry.

I am the proud owner of P90x.  Tony Horton is not only amazingly motivating, he is also a genetic FREAK!  This was really a purchase for my husband.  I do not have the drive to work out for 60 minutes a day with that kind of intensity.  I want to cry just watching the commercial.  (I get winded getting dressed for heaven's sake) Plyometrics, body-crushing yoga & the Ab-ripper?  Come on, this was not my cup of tea.

Others on the list:

I have received the Bare Minerals starter kit.  It is a makeup "revolution" after all. I do love this one! 

Pro-active & Murad Complex for my supposed acne control problems, which in reality sucked every bit of oil & moisture out of my face. I looked like a climber that had just scaled Mount Everest. Pretty!

The aforementioned Jupiter Jack (crap,) Mighty Putty and Oxi Clean.  Oxi Clean really does work & is worth buying.  Billy Mays did have a gift, didn't he?

I was seriously one second away from buying that "Make Money Placing Ads" system from that pee-wee of a guy, Don Lapre, who lives in the mansion with some hookers in an undisclosed tropical location.  He is a self-made gazillionaire from placing "tiny" classified ads.  I may have been drunk watching this & it made perfect sense at the time.  All I need a computer & $39.95. (plus shipping & handling of course)
I need to lay off the booze.

We all fall victim to these ads out there.  "Are you alone, tired, lonely, poor?" "Do you have insomnia, multiple-personality disorder, gout?" "Are you fat, thin, ugly, sprouting a third arm?"  We can justify our spending very easily. 

I suggest changing the channel the next time you come across these manipulative ads.  They prey on the tired & weak. Hide your Visa & go to sleep.  Really, you will thank me in the morning.


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