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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Little MISSING Manners

I got another fantastic suggestion for a blog post: the demise of manners. (Thanks Rob.)  This might take a while.  The simple act of common courtesy.  What happened to that?  It has become unbearable & a bit embarrassing. This applies to adults & kids. Chivalry is officially dead. Manners are something that are instilled in you by your parents.  It all comes down to upbringing, plain & simple.  I am astonished by the complete disregard for manners that exists now.

Growing up, we were taught a basic core of values.  For example:
Thank you Suzy's Zoo


Simple enough, right?  People could use a refresher course from Miss Manners these days.  It all starts at home.  I hate to blame the parents, but that is where is all begins.  My husband & I hammer our poor kids about these things.  Some may think that it is not important, but I couldn't disagree more.  Last weekend I told my sons "you can never say please & thank you enough." & "no one will ever say, wow, he is being TOO polite."  It is these little things that poke at you & make you want to smack someone.  People are RUDE!!

Let me share some examples.  I was at Stop & Shop checking out.  The cashier never once looked up at me, smiled or even acknowledged my presence.  She simply scanned my items & yapped with the bag boy.  Then handed me my receipt without as much as a glance.  This pisses me off.  If you are in a customer-oriented position then you should probably try to be pleasant. There is also the case of the "line cutter."  That person who weasels their way into the checkout line. Come on people!

We all have been to the dreaded DMV.  What a disaster it is there.  They must screen applicants & pick the ones who were voted Most Miserable in High School. I never seen such crabby people.  Would it kill you to crack a smile? 

Driving etiquette is another thing that is non-existent now.  Everyone is in such a hurry.  Where are you going? Now, I grew up in Massachusetts where the drivers are not really known for their graciousness.  Connecticut is no different.  Your car has turn signals for a reason: USE THEM!  Driving on my ass will not get you to your destination any faster, especially since there is a bus in front of me.  And what happened to the "Thank You" wave?  I totally expect this when I am kind enough to let you pull out..(I supposed you are too busy talking on your phone to notice anything.)  I got news for you: you SUCK!

Table manners have gone the wayside too.  This is despicable & just plain disgusting.  I cannot stand going out to a restaurant & seeing this atrocious display.  Tell your kids to #1 Not scream.  #2 chew with their mouths closed & # 3 stop kicking the booth & making me spill my drink.  (These rules also apply to airline travel as well.)  Doesn't this embarrass you people?  I know it mortifies me.  I expect nothing but stellar behavior when we are out to dinner.  You sit there & shut your mouths or we leave. I always tell my boys "no one thinks your cute, but me & even that is under debate right now."  Another sidebar to the restaurant situation is parents that feel it is O.K. to bring their infant child to an upscale restaurant.  I totally understand the need to get out with a newborn at home.  Here's a suggestion: Go to T.G.I.Fridays.  I am not paying a sitter $10 bucks an hour to go to a nice place to listen to your kid cry. 

The last thing I need to mention, and this is the mother of all manner dysfunctions, is the utter lack of respect for adults. We see it everywhere.  The fear of adults has disappeared.  When I was young, my mother had that "look."  You know that look?  That "you are 2 seconds away from a backhand" look. This no longer exists.  Now kids are BFF's with their parents?  Not sure that is the message that works.  Call me a mean mom (which my kids do) but I often utter "I am not your friend, I am your mother."  I am responsible for raising my children to be decent, respectful boys.  It's on me & my husband to make sure this happens. These days kids are not afraid of anyone & unfortunately, society is making sure it's just going get worse. 

LOVE this quote:

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. - Fred Astaire


To this day, I hold doors for people. It's what civilized people do. I held a door last night for a women & she had such a look of shock & awe it was amusing.  It was also a bit sad she was so surprised that I did that.  You give up your seat for a senior citizen, you get something off a shelf for one who can't reach.  It is not that hard.  BE NICE!

I wonder if this is ever going to get better; this crazy, self-absorbed entitlement.  Manners are the most basic form of civility we have left & it is slowly dying.  It's up to each of us to try and fix this problem. Until then, good luck out there!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Pretty in INK: The Tattoo Debate

I got a request this week from a friend from high school to tackle the subject of tattoos.  I'm taking him up on it!  I am amazed at the path tattoos have taken in our culture today.  Getting inked is no longer for the freaks, Hell's Angel members, psycho stalkers, punk rockers or people that go to Tijuana for a little action & wake up with this. It has become a form of self-expression for people of all ages & cultures.  It also has gotten way out of control.

When I was younger people with tattoos scared me a little.  They were always found on the backs & arms of big, burly guys who smoked Marlboro's & wore leather apparel.  It was a stereotype then.  Tattoos = Badass!  Now you see butterflies, Chinese symbols & the ever-so-trendy tribal markings on teenage girls & moms alike.  It's kind of lost it's mystique.  It's bad-ass-ness, if you will.


My husband has tattoos.  I remember the first time he came to pick me up for a date.  (The look on my Sicilian father's face said it all.  Uh-oh!) Then I decided to get a one as well.  I can be bad-ass right?We took the drive to Hampton, N.H. because at the time you could not get one in Massachusetts.  The guy who did mine was bald & had a cricket plastered on the side of his head.  Now that's what I'm talking about.  I chose a sun with a yin/yang sign in the middle, only because I knew I was not the butterfly or flowery type.  Now, I got it on the base of my spine, or what is known now as the "tramp-stamp."


 Or as Vince Vaughn would put it.... 
(Link) View more Vince Vaughn Sound Clips and Wedding Crashers Sound Clips
(In my own defense, this was 20 years ago, so that term was not in heavy circulation yet.)  I love it.  My little piece of rebellion.


As a makeup artist that primarily works on brides, I am often asked to cover these little works of art.  I guess daddy would not be too keen on seeing his little girl in a strapless, white gown with a black scorpion on her shoulder blade.  These are things you do not think of when your are in your early 20's, carefree & trying to become bad-ass.  I love a bride that is comfortable enough to say "hey, this is me..& my scorpion."  But that is usually not the case.  Most of us are not Angelina Jolie.


You also do not thing about the effect aging will have on your tattoos.  When you get that little heart on your chest or the kitty cat hiding under the confines of your g-string, do you really think about the unforgiving nature of gravity?  I think not.  All you are thinking is "I'm hot & crazy!"


Tattoos have gained notoriety via TLC & Discovery as well.  L.A & Miami Ink have changed the perception of tattoo parlors. Who would think they can make a show about getting tattoos & people would watch it?  Some of the stories are actually very touching.  The women who beat cancer, the father who wants to remember his son that died, all good stuff.  I think that is what getting tat is all about.  It should mean something.  It will be on your skin forever, shouldn't it mean something?

Then the "Ink Regret" comes into play.  Prime example is having the name of your lover, wife, husband, boyfriend tattooed anywhere on your body.  Do you really think this is a good idea?  I suppose it is a very endearing thing at first, but statistics show you will most likely be getting that sucker lasered off or turned into a dolphin at some point.  (See Eva Longoria & Angie again.)  Let's hope Nick Cannon & Mariah don't break up!  (and I thought SHE was the crazy one..)

So, what do you think?  Have tattoo's gotten out of hand? (don't even get me going on the piercing situation) The choice to get permanently defaced is up to you.  There is no turning back so just make sure you are ready to live with your decision...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

London Calling: "Royality" wedding

If you have not heard, there is a big wedding of some sort happening this week.  The Royal Wedding of the beloved William & Kate. This is a quite a spectacle indeed.  So much so that every local news outlet feels the need to have live coverage. Is this what is important in life?  This ridiculous pomp & circumstance?  This ostentatious display of excess?  I suppose it is a nice reprieve from war, domestic abuse, deadly weather & the worlds economic crisis.  I must be a pessimist.  I don't have any interest in this "Royality" wedding.

Last time I checked, we live in the USA.  Where the closest thing we have to a Royal family is perhaps the Kardashian's or the Osbornes.  Sad, but true.  I am not from London & don't pretend to be.  I'm sure Gwyneth & Madonna are polishing up their fake English accents for this one.  I don't care who designed Kate's $200,000 dress. Nor am I concerned who is on this guest list. It is silly. 

Maybe it is supposed to be romantic.  A fairy tale love story.  I like a good love story.  But when you are a gazillionaire everything is a fairy tale, right?  (Man, am I bitter.)  I don't know why this pisses me off so much.  What's the fascination?  Are people really going to get up at 4am to watch this crap?  The only way I am getting up at 4am is if the fire alarm is going off or if I there is a cash prize involved.  But that's just me.

Some view the way of living in London as much more refined than ours here in the states.  They use words like "bloke" and drink a lot of tea & eat crumpets.  What the hell is a crumpet?  They have Abbeys, like where Maria lived in the Sound of Music.  They are very polished, live in flats & dress lot lot like the Monopoly guy. (or was that Mr. Peanut?) They do have great accents though, I'll give them that.  Everything sounds so pleasant.  A far cry from my brash one from Boston.   I should mention they do get bonus points for Harry Potter, Monty Python, Benny Hill & the riveting PBS series Upstairs, Downstairs.  (that last one was a joke..but it came to mind during my stream of consciousness rant here.)

This got me thinking about the weddings that we cover here in the good-ole US.  Umm, let's see.  We had the "famous" reality T.V. weddings of the Bachelorette Trista & her fire-fighter hubby Ryan, Lamar Odom's nuptials to the sassy Khloe Kardashian & who can forget "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?"  A sadistic remake of a dating game type show where creepy, bleach-blonde gold-diggers vie for the opportunity to marry a rich guy they have never seen.  A shame when they found out he was- not only unattractive but also a convicted felon.  But hey..he's a millionaire!  When you consider what we put on the air I guess the Royal wedding does win in the credibility department.


All this hoop-la happening in a country we do not live in, yet it is all everyone is talking about it.  STOP IT!  Another example of unrealistic "reality."  (No wonder there are so many suicides & drug addictions.)  For a brief moment I guess we can all escape into this celebration of love, money & royalty.  Then we can go back to our average, unrefined, coffee-drinking lives.  I do wish the Royal couple all the happiness in the world.  Congratulations William & Kate.  Now SOD OFF!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Like Mother, like daughter...

It's official.  I have become my mother!  Just thought I would let you all know that there is no denying it anymore.  I came to this conclusion during one of my screaming fits this morning.  I actually stopped & thought, OMG..  Now, cut me some slack here.  It is Friday of what seems to be a never-ending kids vacation & my nerves are a bit shot, to say the least.

First of all, I LOVE my mother.  She is amazing. A woman who is loving, giving & the best care taker I have ever seen.  To this day, she still is the most giving person I know.  But she likes to yell.  Always has & still does!

There are a few things that I always thought I would avoid when I became a mother.  Number 1: The Screaming! When you were young, you either came from a house that yelled or didn't.  We yelled.  A lot!  Again, being Italian & our inability to gauge proper volume control at any time, this is a normal occurrence. 

Yelling does not produce a very comfortable or positive environment for anyone.  Yet, I yell.  Daily.  Maybe I think screaming at the top of my lungs will make my kids (or hubby for that matter) actually listen, or at least react when I say something.  I got news for ya: it doesn't work.  For once, I agree with the parenting books.  It really is just an "adult" temper tantrum. Damn!

Aside from the yelling, there are other things that are slowly making there way into my motherly repertoire.  Like the list making, my obsession with putting everything in Ziploc bags, spitting on a tissue & wiping my kids faces & the oh-so-popular nagging.  WTF?  When did I become a nag?  And if any of you out there hear me utter the phrase "Can I make a suggestion?" it may be time for an intervention.

I have also developed this scowl-type look on my face.  It is there constantly.  When did this happen?  I look miserable.  I remember by little one once saying, "Mom, why do you have that face?"  THAT face.  I have a face!  A Mom face.  A "pick up this room, don't talk back, I have had enough of this crap" face.   You know, it''s bad enough I'm getting emails about "sexy seniors" in my local area looking for a date, I now have a face, I'm a nag & vocally challenged in the volume department.  I used to be happy, fun, relaxed.  My god, what has happened?

There are things I wish my mother passed on to me, but didn't.  Like how she can launder & iron a pair of pants so well that she renders them unrecognizable to their owner when she is done. ( "Are these my pants?")  How she can find the perfect card for any occasion.  "Congratulations on your 2nd cousins Son's Briss" (not kidding, swear she is part owner of Hallmark)  And how you can never find a single piece of hair in any of her bathrooms. (how is this possible?)

It is inevidible.  No matter what you do you will eventually become one of your parents.  Take a good look at your mother the next time you are with her.  This is going to be you.  If it hasn't happened yet, get ready...  It's coming!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lie to Me...

Easter is this weekend.  Yes, another holiday when a "mystical" creature visits the house & leaves gifts for the children.  In other words: WE LIE!  My boys are now 8 & 6 1/2.  We have done our absolute best to deceive them up until now.  At what age do they figure all this out & call our bluff?  It's getting close.

"You know Santa & you have very similar handwriting?" 
"Mom, the Easter bunny has the same exact plastic eggs that you have!"
"The Tooth Fairy dropped my tooth on your bedroom floor last night"

As a mom, I enjoy the innocence of all of this magic. I love that they still BELIEVE.  (We could all use a little magic in our lives sometimes, right?)  I remember when I found out that there was no Santa.  My mom sat me on her lap in the kitchen & told me.  I was crushed.  I had my suspicions before that though.  In the house I grew up in, we had one of those pull-down attic doors with the boingy springs.  (a very technical term there)  It made a very distinct sound when opened.  So my parents figured that is where they should hide the gifts.  One time, my Dad opened the attic & a present flew down.  I can't remember the reasoning he gave, but I must have bought it.  But it stuck with me..hmmmmm.

We spend a great portion of our kid's childhood totally lying to them.  Now, some whack-job parental groups out there say that this is hurting our children.  "It is wrong to lie about Santa!!  The deception can leave life long scars."  Give me a break!!

As parents we lie all the time.  Yes, I know that there are "degrees" of lying , but we all do it.  We all do it often.  Lying is part of parenting.

"The computer has to to 'go to sleep' now honey"
"I don't have any quarters for the gumball machine"
"If you tell me the truth, you won't get in trouble"
"The cable is out, sorry you can't watch Sponge Bob"
"This is 'mommy's juice' I'm drinking"
"We are all out of chicken nuggets"

Some may consider these "white lies" but they are lies all the same.  Lying = survival. Lying gets you out of those pesky weekend obligations: "Oh, sorry we can't go to blah-blah's Irish Step dancing recital, the little one has a fever."  Lying gets you out of awkward situations: "Sure, those sequined spandex pants look great on you!"  Lying can even make you feel better.. "I don't think one Eclair will hurt my diet."

I think that Santa, the Easter Bunny & the Tooth Fairy were created to instill good behavior.  Parents need all the help they can get during the year, so why not make shit up?  Scare the kids a little.  I don't think it's a coincidence that my boy's behavior is usually VERY good in the month of December.  Thanks "Santa!"

I am not condoning lying here.  I am defending it just a little though.  There is a difference.  Sometimes we need to fib in order to get what we need or want out of our children. If that makes me a bad mom, then so be it.  I invite anyone to admit that they have not done the same thing at some point.  I am just waiting for the jig to be up.  All this lying is exhausting!

So go forth & enjoy this blessed Easter Sunday....  May the "Easter Bunny" bring you lots of treats..

And don't you worry, your secret is safe with me!


Friday, April 15, 2011

5 Things I Wish Would Go Away: MAN Edition

1. AFFLICTION ADDICTION:  Attention boys! Swirly graphics, wings on your back & rhinestones?  These things are for women, who are usually in a pageant or from the deep South.  Not men!  They were pretty cool when the first came out & say, Chuck Ladell was sporting it, because he IS a bad ass.  Not a jack-ass.  Cut it out!  NOW!

2. SKINNY JEANS: For men it is just a poor trend in general.  Just what every women wants: a man who's ass & legs are thinner than hers.  FYI..not the most "masculine" look. Unless you are one of the Jonas Brothers, man up & buy something with a little breathing room.

3. LONG HAIR:  For some reason this has come back full-force.  The bowl-like haircut.  WHY?  At least Gilligan had an excuse.  Even my boy, Tom Brady, needs to re-connect with this manly side & cut that hair!

4. CROCS: When did these become acceptable to wear in public?  Rubber shoes?  Really? The best is when the socks accompany this footwear faux-pas.  Mario Batali implores you: Leave these shoes in the garden, where they belong!  Don't even get me started on the man-dals!

5. RANDOM FACIAL HAIR:  There is the beard, the moustache & the goatee..and then there is the:
"Juan Valdez is my twin" the "there's something on your chin" and the "I don't know what the hell I'm thinking."  I don't understand any of it.  Our badly chaffed lips & faces beg you to get this problem under control!




Thursday, April 14, 2011

F-U: Our Obsession with the F-word

WARNING: there is some bad #&%^$*& language in this entry

The four letter word we all love.  Well at least I do.  It is an atrocious habit.  I have a trucker mouth.  I'm not sure when or how this happened, but it is bad.  In this day & age we all have a foul mouth.  This is nothing new.  History doesn't lie. Wikipedia has an amusing entry about the history of the f-word.  The examples are hysterical.


I have recently noticed that the use of f&^% is becoming more accepted & mainstream,  I mean, take the radio for example.  We have P!nk with "F-ing Perfect," Cee Lo Green's "F.U." and the egocentric Enrique belting out "Tonight I'm F*&$ing You."  I much enjoy the radio edits of these songs, but on XM you get the whole sha-bang!  Never mind Jersey Shore or any series on HBO. (it's not TV..It's F-bomb central!) Even the squeaky clean American Idol has to bleep out Steven Tyler every other sentence.  I come from a generation where we are numb to the f-word. We don't even flinch at the use.  (Maybe we should?) It is amazing how accepted it is now.


Once reserved for when you were really, really mad (or as another term for makeup sex,) f#%$ can now be used as every part of speech. According to Wiki, "F*&$" can be used as a verb, adverb, adjective, command, interjection, noun, and can logically be used as virtually any word in a sentence."  

Let's look at some examples, shall we?


VERB: Action or state of being or "I don't really give a flying f**&."
ADVERB: Modifies any verb or "I talk way to f*$&#^ much!"
ADJECTIVE: Describing word or "This yogurt is so f*&^%#$ good!"   (<--Classic Seinfeld clip)
COMMAND: Used forcefully or  "Go f*@$ yourself!"
INTERJECTION: Conveys emotion or "F&$^! You didn't tell me you were married!""
NOUN: Person, place, animal, thing or abstract idea or "Steve Buscemi is one ugly f@$!"

AS EVERY PART OF SPEECH or "F&@ you , you f*@^#I% f^#$!

Amazing isn't it?  We have taken a word that used to have one specific meaning & made it an integral part of our language.  Honestly, it is pretty bad. It totally cheapens you & undermines your credibility. (unless you are a cast member on The Sopranos, Antonio Montana or Christian Bale on a psychotic rampage.) Now, that's some good sh&*!

Being a woman it is even worse. No one likes a potty mouth!  I don't understand our (or my) obsession with this word.  Sure, we try to soften it with fuzzy terms like: "freakin" "fark" "flippin" "mother-trucker".  They really don't have the pizazz that the real thing emotes. 

Whatever the reason, the misunderstood & overused "f-word" is here to stay whether we like it or not.  So mothers, get out your bars of soap, because all of our mouths could use a little washing out.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Kiss my LASH: Your Guide to Mascara



Today we are talking LASHES!  We all want em.. Long, thick & luxurious...  If you are anything like me, you have purchased every mascara known to man to achieve fab lashes.  I am a sucker for mascara.  Much to my dismay, many of the products I buy do not do what they claim.  I have road-tested dozens of products from $2.00 to $40.00.  Here is my take on getting those amazing lashes!

Now, first off... The mascara ads that you see on T.V & in the magazines are a complete misrepresentation.  The models are wearing FALSE LASHES!!  Just to be clear.  Your lashes will not look like that without them.  Kim Kardashian wears fake ones too.. on the top & bottom.  No ones lashes touch their eyebrows, except maybe my two sons.  (damn, boys get all the good traits!) 

Mascaras claim to lengthen, curl (whatever?) and volumize.  3 very important things when it comes to creating a beautiful eye.  It is all in the brush & the application.  Let's look at some popular choices.

1. Dior SHOW
This has been a cult favorite & a best seller for years.  Promising big,
thick lashes without the need for fake ones.  Honestly I do not like this
mascara, but sales don't lie.  LOTS of people do!  The brush is so big & bulky it doesn't coat that well.  It kind of globs on.  Not a fan, sorry Dior.  And for $25, I expect much more.


2. Lancome Definicils

This was my go-to mascara for years.  I love the thin wand.  When is comes out of the tube it is really clean, not clumpy.  This mascara separates & lengthens.  I just love it.  $25.00 well spent.






3.  Maybelline Stiletto Voluptuous

I am willing to try any product once.  Once was all I needed to fall in love with this mascara.  The curvy brush really coats each lash without clumping.  It adds great length & volume.  With an attractive price point (under 6 bucks!) this mascara should be found in every one's makeup kit.


3. Blinc KISS ME

This is a very non-traditional mascara.  Kiss Me goes on like regular mascara but does something pretty unique.  It coats each lash with "tubes" of color, creating a natural, separated look.  This mascara does not flake or smudge until you take it off.  Now, this is the beauty of this product. To remove, use warm water & gently sweep off the "tubes" to reveal a perfectly clean eye.  No raccoons!!  (It is a little creepy.  NO, those are not your lashes coming off..it is the mascara.)  Genius for about $24!


WARNING:  FOR MASCARA ADDICTS ONLY!!!


4. Sephora's Stash Lash Mascara Deluxe Sampler

YUMMY!! 10 of Sephora's most popular mascaras in a sampler kit with an eyelash curler to boot.  OMG!!  Need I say more.  GET IT!



Things to remember:

-Use the Squiggle:  Place the wand at the base of the lashes & move it back & forth to get lift at the roots
-Don't forget the tips:  Sweep mascara down from the top & then up to coat all of the lash
-Use waterproof for special occasions & the beach only!  It does more harm than good when used daily
-Shelf life for most mascara is about 3-6 month.  I say 3.  Bacteria builds up in that tube..YUCK!
-Don't "pump" the wand in & out of the tube.  Swirl it around to prevent air from getting in & drying it out.

Now I could go on & on with this.  Currently these are the mascaras I have in my makeup bag:

Mally Volumizing Mascara
L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes
Maybelline Volume Express The Falsies
Make Up For Ever Smoky Lash

My name is Susan & I am a makeup addict.  It is not safe for me to enter Sephora coming off a great nights sleep & my debit card.  I think I need a sponsor.

So if you want those to-die-for lashes try some of my suggestions or share some of your favorites.  I would love to hear from you. 



Thursday, April 7, 2011

REALITY Bites

Channel surfing again last night.  I get sucked into so many crap shows.  Last night is was TLC's Extreme Couponing. (Extreme? Like this will be added to the rotation at the next X-games?)  The show highlights everyday people (who are obviously manic) who are expert shoppers.  They have a heroin-like addiction & collect thousands of coupons then basically pay little to nothing for groceries.  I couldn't stop watching.  These people stockpile items in their homes.  I really think this should be a sister-show to Hoarders and/or Intervention to be honest.


One woman takes her family on weekly trips to the dumpsters. You heard me. The dumpsters!  She has her child sitting in filth trying to recover coupons that others discard.  (Sure, that's normal?!)  I have to admit, the results are mind-blowing.  One woman had a bill of $1900 and paid about $5.00 for it all. Amazing, right?  (I really do not see the need for 95 bottles of mustard & 35 packages of Maalox, but to each his own.)  The savings is unreal & in this day & age, we are all trying to save money.  But this really borders on obsession.  It is crazy-addictive.  For them & me.


Then I saw a promo for yet another "Housewives" show coming soon to VH1.  Are you ready for this?  Mob Wives.  WTF? The Soprano's has gone reality.  The light-hearted chronicles of four busted women who are trying to "pick up the pieces" while their husband's or father's "do time for crime-related activity."  Nice euphemism.  (I swear one of women, Karen, is a dead-ringer for Khole Kardashian & what she will look like in about 10 years)  These Staten Island disasters are here to tell their stories.  I'm sure the Bosses are thrilled about this.  (Didn't any of them see what happened to Adriana on the Soprano's?)  They even have faux-mug shots in the introductions.  Nice touch.  I'm sure they each have real ones but the hair & makeup was not up to par in those. 

In the Super trailer you get a sneak peek into the lives of these wives.  One quotes "the code of ethics is taken very seriously in the underground world."  I'm sure it is.  Why not do a reality show?  That is the perfect way to keep things under raps.  This preview is like Jersey Shore gone wild, if you can imagine that. At least Snooki will know what her future holds.  There are more "bleeps" than actual words.  One thing for sure: these bitches are mean, foul-mouthed & scary.  Perfect for reality T.V.

I never got into any of these "Housewives" shows.  People apparently love this shit.  I think the term "Housewives" is used very loosely. These women are rich, permanently tan, have hair extensions & do nothing but go to lunch, hit on young guys, adjust their fake boob & have exhausting cat fights in front of the camera.  Why is this entertaining?  It is just another example of why women suck.  They are haters. Women cannot get along, in any setting.  It is a fact.  It's a shame, but I speak the truth.  What is wrong with us?  This is the only REAL thing about reality TV.  Women will never be able to co-exist peacefully. 

Like other reality shows before, they give us a glimpse into unreal life.  Remember the first season of The Real World? (all I remember was that cute, disco boy Eric.)  Not so cute anymore...  Now THAT is reality my friends.  Nothing real about living for free in an amazing house with hot guys & girls that make out with each other, get hammered & have no responsibility.  OK, I just described my life when I was in college.  But that ain't the "real world." 

I want to start a new reality show.  The REAL-Real Housewives.  It will follow the lives of women who are not skinny, pale as a ghost & have sagging breasts. It will show exciting adventures to Super Wal-Mart, doing laundry & dealing with raging PMS. No champagne lunches here.  Just a quick Fiber One bar & a DD iced coffee.  Like Mob Wives, there will be plenty of foul language.  This is of course if I am on the show.  (I have a problem with the f-word.  Sadly, I love it!)  The show will be never-ending, like the list of things the "real" housewives" have to do. 

What do think?  I smell a hit!  I will be holding auditions in the upcoming months.  The prerequisites will be that you are married, bitter & cannot remember the last time you had sex.
Please forward your resumes to me directly. 

Now that would be refreshing, don't you think?


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Modern Love

While reading the lastest issue of Glamour Magazine last night, I came across an interesting article. Titled The Curse of the Just-OK Marriage,"  it is based on excerpts from the book Marriage Confidential by Pamela Haag.  She addresses the "Post romantic age of workhorse wives, royal children, undersexed spouses and rebel couples who are rewriting the rules."  Wow, that is a mouthful!  I am focusing on the marriage part today.

This is just one example of a long list of many who are re-examining modern marriage, couples & monogamy. The modern love is complicated stuff.  What does it take to survive in a relationship now?  Is being with one person "till death do you part" even possible anymore?  I know that everyone out there has questioned this at some point.

Haag speaks of people stuck in an "OK marriage." Where the couple is at the "ambivalent" stage.  I'm not sure what people expect when they are married for long periods of time.  Sure, the spark dies some, thing get routine, complacent & dare I say, boring?  I have been married for 15 years & with my husband a total of 18.  I am very lucky in that I know he is the man for me.  I never felt that I needed to go outside to "test the waters."  I guess I am not the norm here.  It looks like couples are in a panic over becoming friends. They are putting some much pressure on themselves & each other to be "what society expects them to be."  I think in any relationship, you do what works for YOU!  No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in your life, in your relationship.  No one but you & your partner.

Marriage takes work.  LOTS of work!!! Compromise, tolerance & sometimes, several adult beverages.  It is not easy.  It is not always fun, exciting & a bed full of rose petals.  I think that the "modern" couple has an unrealistic notion that it will be "perfect."  Then when they are disappointed they give up.  What I am most proud of is that my husband & I are able to communicate.  We do that really well.  We really talk.  Not via text, but actually face to face.  I don't always like to hear what he has to say, but you have to get it out.  If not, it is like a time bomb just waiting to go off.

Children are both a blessing & a curse in most relationships. I cannot imagine our life without them, but I won't lie about what kind of stress they put on the marriage.  Children push you to your absolute limit of love, patience, anger & stress.  They ground you, infuriate you & remind you everyday of what is truly important.

Haag talks often about the concept of "royal children."  This trend of "child worship."  Putting the children first, taking the children everywhere & basically allowing the kids to rule the roost. (We have all been out to dinner & seen this display.  You are not sure if you want to smack the kids or the parents.) I will be the first to say, and judge me if you want, but this does NOT happen at my house.  I think I'll save this topic for a blog all by itself.  I'm getting all fired up!

The Today show recently did a piece on the ever-popular web site Ashley Madison.  With over 800,000 members, it is the official cheaters web site.  Their tag line is "Life is Short, Have an Affair."  Really?  This is what marriage has come to?  People with blacked out faces admitting that having an affair, and I quote "has made them a better wife, mother & happier in general."  Whatever works I guess.  Some people are not with the right person. I do believe this.  I am both disgusted & amazed by the popularity of this site. It represents the downfall of modern marriage. However, seeing how popular it is, maybe thet are defining what the future of marriage is..  I hope not.

This may be a "mars & venus" thing.  I'm sure we all wish that our sex lives resembled a late-night movie on Cinemax.  But let's be realistic.  I'm a woman.  I equate love with emotion & feelings (sorry guys, it's true) not sex.  Sex is very important but I do not think it defines or is the first priority a good relationship.  That's just me. .

I guess my question is monogamy possible?  Do the vows we take mean anything anymore? Are we always going to be looking for someone or something else to make us happy?  (If you even know what your definition of "happy" is.) Or is like when you buy your kids every toy in creation they want but they are happier playing with a ball of tin foil?  You will always need & want more.  When is enough, enough? 

Most of us already know that the grass is NOT always greener.  It may look really nice, but actually, it has lots of weeds, dead spots & needs watering, just like yours!  You need to look at your own yard & remind yourself how amazing it is. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Scenes From the Emergency Room

Cue ominous music..preferably super-low bass tones...

"Mommy"
"What is it Julian?"
(Sob, crackling voice) " I have a LEGO stuck in my nose.."
"You have a what?"
(crying, high-pitched voice) "I have a ...LEGO..stuck in my nose!"

Oh Christ!  "Don't breathe in, come here, lay down, calm down, don't swallow, don't cry, sit still, get the flashlight honey, get a tweezers, I can see it, what were you thinking?  Oh, Christ! What color was it, did you stick just one up there or 2? 3? 10?  Why did you do this? It's ok honey, calm down, breathe, breathe.. Just f-ing breathe!!!

OK, let's go to the hospital.....

After a nice, semi-quite meal last night this was the scene at my house.  Just another trip to the emergency room at 7:45pm.  When you have children these trips are frequent & panic-ridden.  We arrive at the hospital.

"Name, address..blah blah"
"Um, yes, my son put a Lego in his nose & it is stuck."
(from the condescending old-biddy at the front desk) "Why would he do that?"
(from the mom with zero tolerance for bullshit questions) "He's 6...that's why!"

An object lodged in a child's nose calls for some very intricate & high-tech procedures.

(Doctor walks in with a cough that sounds like he has T.B.) "Let's take a look. Yep, there it is." 
"Let's get him to try to blow it out."
One hour of nose blowing commences.  Julian is tired, sweaty & purple.
"OK, mom..want to try something?"
(mom haphazardly answers) "Sure"

Mom then proceeded to administer makeshift mouth-to-mouth on my own son.  I held one nostril, he opened his mouth & I blew into it.  I wanted to see if I could launch that sucker out & across the room. To no avail.  Damn!

The tweezers make their first appearance.  Julian turns pale, mom starts to sweat even more.

"Mom, please squirt this vile of super-thick, ice cold Lidocane gel up your sons nose to numb it. We will be back soon." 

By soon they mean 45 minutes.  Mom's blood  pressure is at 689.  Thank God for Angry Birds. Julian is distracted & excited he freed the boomerang bird.

The 3 Stooges return.  Dr. Whooping Cough, Nice Nurse & Intern guy, who doesn't speak English & has questionable hygiene.

I have to talk calmly to Julian while they mummify him with a blanket so he won't move. Then they move in with the nostril speculum, the tweezers & a 10000 watt light.  Let the extraction begin.

Now, any parent who has accompanied their child to the E.R. knows this is the worst part.  Julian is screaming, nose bleeding, 4 people holding him still while a 7 inch, needle-nose tweezers is inserted into his nose. 

"Now Julian, you have to keep still."  YEAH! RIGHT!

cue tension-rising music..similar to Jaws theme

"GOT IT!"  Thank freaking GOD!!!!

After 3 hours, 4 boxes of tissues, a 1/2 gallon of boogies, sweat, tears & blood, the Lego has been recovered.  They even put it in a little jar for us to take home as a commemorative souvenir.  How thoughtful!

We arrive home.  (Just breathe!)  The boys go to bed & pass out.  Mommy has a drink, chain-smokes and cries until bedtime. 

THE END!