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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Scenes From the Emergency Room

Cue ominous music..preferably super-low bass tones...

"What is it Julian?"
(Sob, crackling voice) " I have a LEGO stuck in my nose.."
"You have a what?"
(crying, high-pitched voice) "I have a ...LEGO..stuck in my nose!"

Oh Christ!  "Don't breathe in, come here, lay down, calm down, don't swallow, don't cry, sit still, get the flashlight honey, get a tweezers, I can see it, what were you thinking?  Oh, Christ! What color was it, did you stick just one up there or 2? 3? 10?  Why did you do this? It's ok honey, calm down, breathe, breathe.. Just f-ing breathe!!!

OK, let's go to the hospital.....

After a nice, semi-quite meal last night this was the scene at my house.  Just another trip to the emergency room at 7:45pm.  When you have children these trips are frequent & panic-ridden.  We arrive at the hospital.

"Name, address..blah blah"
"Um, yes, my son put a Lego in his nose & it is stuck."
(from the condescending old-biddy at the front desk) "Why would he do that?"
(from the mom with zero tolerance for bullshit questions) "He's 6...that's why!"

An object lodged in a child's nose calls for some very intricate & high-tech procedures.

(Doctor walks in with a cough that sounds like he has T.B.) "Let's take a look. Yep, there it is." 
"Let's get him to try to blow it out."
One hour of nose blowing commences.  Julian is tired, sweaty & purple.
"OK, mom..want to try something?"
(mom haphazardly answers) "Sure"

Mom then proceeded to administer makeshift mouth-to-mouth on my own son.  I held one nostril, he opened his mouth & I blew into it.  I wanted to see if I could launch that sucker out & across the room. To no avail.  Damn!

The tweezers make their first appearance.  Julian turns pale, mom starts to sweat even more.

"Mom, please squirt this vile of super-thick, ice cold Lidocane gel up your sons nose to numb it. We will be back soon." 

By soon they mean 45 minutes.  Mom's blood  pressure is at 689.  Thank God for Angry Birds. Julian is distracted & excited he freed the boomerang bird.

The 3 Stooges return.  Dr. Whooping Cough, Nice Nurse & Intern guy, who doesn't speak English & has questionable hygiene.

I have to talk calmly to Julian while they mummify him with a blanket so he won't move. Then they move in with the nostril speculum, the tweezers & a 10000 watt light.  Let the extraction begin.

Now, any parent who has accompanied their child to the E.R. knows this is the worst part.  Julian is screaming, nose bleeding, 4 people holding him still while a 7 inch, needle-nose tweezers is inserted into his nose. 

"Now Julian, you have to keep still."  YEAH! RIGHT!

cue tension-rising music..similar to Jaws theme

"GOT IT!"  Thank freaking GOD!!!!

After 3 hours, 4 boxes of tissues, a 1/2 gallon of boogies, sweat, tears & blood, the Lego has been recovered.  They even put it in a little jar for us to take home as a commemorative souvenir.  How thoughtful!

We arrive home.  (Just breathe!)  The boys go to bed & pass out.  Mommy has a drink, chain-smokes and cries until bedtime. 



  1. OMG.....I don't know what I would of done!!!
    But I just can't help but to laugh so hard I almost peed my pants. Happy everyone is ok......

  2. they keep us on our toes - don't they?
    Too much, your storytelling is perfect and so honest. LOL.


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