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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Right to BARE arms, legs etc...

Summertime came in quickly, as usual.  With all these shorts & tank tops waiting to be worn, we all have to deal with yet another grueling grooming task.  Hair removal! I'm talking full-body here. Being an woman of Italian decent, I have had this battle my whole life.  I hate hair.  I don't want hair, anywhere!  Oh, how I long for smooth, silky legs.  There are a multitude of products that promise this hair-free heaven.  I have personally tried all of them over the years.  But which one is best for you?  Let's discuss....


I remember the early days when I was introduced to shaving.  Razors for women were much different than their male counterparts.  They were pink, round & pretty; as in pretty useless.  Woman may be soft & delicate but their hair is not.  Let's just say 6 hours after shaving I could grate cheese on my legs.  Lovely, isn't it?  I need the heavy duty razors.  Titanium, steel..something tough.  Shaving is still the easiest way to a a hair-free existence.  Leg's, underarm, even those little wiry hairs on your toes are gone in one sweep.  My fave is the Venus Embrace.  5 blades, easy to hold & can also be used to peel vegetables if necessary.  This thing rocks!  It's old school, cheap & gets the job done.


Who wears short-shorts?  (Not me, I can tell you that)  Nair was always the staple in this category.  Just apply this foul-smelling cream to your hairy parts, wait & rinse for a smooth result.  Sounds easy, right?  My experience was less than pleasant.  I applied the cream to my legs.  After about 5 minutes I experienced pain that I can only compare to what having sulfuric acid poured on you would feel like.  It burned.  They don't tell you this on the package.  I was not able to wait the full 10 minutes as instructed.  My legs were red, prickly & still covered with hair.  Sorry, Nair.  Who can wear short shorts when you look like a burn victim?  I think we'll pass.


Now I have covered the popular topic of bikini waxing already.  Waxing larger areas of your body takes patience & lot's of pain medication.  I am not a candidate for waxing my legs.  You must grow the hair out so it is long enough for the wax to grab.  This is not a good look for me.  I have made attempts, I assure you.  I got about 1/4 up my shin.  Wax + front of shin + rip = lot's of expletives being screamed aloud.  God love you if you wax your legs.  I think it is good for those blonde girls out there.  I was always jealous of the soft, billowy hair on the blonds.  Damn you!  I can compare my leg hair to the Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop.  Remember that toy?  You can make the guys hair grow in thick, long locks.  That pretty much sums up the texture of my hair. Waxing does work if you stick with it.  It's just the growing out part that makes it pretty much impossible during the dead of summer.


Laser hair removal is an amazing thing.  It reduces the hair growth significantly. I am a candidate for laser, unfortunately, my bank account is not.  It is an investment, for sure.  It works best on lighter skin with dark hair. (sorry, blondies)  Getting a treatment is NOT virtually pain-free as they would like you to believe.  If you want to get an idea of what it is like, take a rubber band, pull it back as far as it goes & snap it against your skin about 1000 times in a row.  That's the gist of it. Getting zapped over & over would weaken anything, right?  Again, it does work over time, but you have to decide if you can take the pain & if you can get approved for a home-equity loan to pay for the treatments.

There are also many other contraptions out there that promise soft, kissable skin.  I have foolishly bought into most of them & they now sit in a make-shift graveyard along with my other as-seen-on-TV purchases.

Smooth Away

Claim: No Pain, No Chemicals, No Razor Burn.. No Hair! & exfoliates too!

Truth:  It is basically low-git sand paper.  It exfoliates by buffing the hair & what is left of your skin off. 

Grade: F


Claim:  Fast & through Hair removal

Truth:  Do you see this thing?  It vibrates & catches your hairs in the coil & rips them out.  I think this was also used to torture prisoners of war.  OUCH!

Grade:  Can you go lower then F?  Maybe a G.

I am now out of money & still searching for a miracle. I will buy anything that claims I will be hair-free for more than 45 minutes.  I hope that in using my body as an experiment you can successfully spend this summer hair free.  Let me know which one's you've tried, love & hate.  I'm game.  Enjoy!

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