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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Have A Drink on Me: Mommy's Little Helper

What is it about summertime that makes you want to drink?  It can be 10am on a Tuesday, and if it is above 70 and sunny, it's time for a Bloody Mary. I find myself looking at the clock in the afternoon.  Is it 5:00 yet?  Do I have a problem?  I mean, hell, it is kids vacation & that is enough to make you want to shotgun Natty Light if it was available.  Can I have a drink now?

Growing up, my parents had a cocktail every night before dinner.  I never saw this as a problem.  They still do.  They never got rip-roaring drunk, but had that time before dinner to chill, sip a beverage & relax.  These days you feel guilty about imbibing.  Are my children going to become alcoholics because they see mommy & daddy having a cocktail?  I am of the opinion that if your children are exposed to things & understand the rules that they are less apt to abuse such things.  Does that make me crazy?  Naive? Ignorant?  I don't think so. 

My first experience with alcohol was the time I thought it would be fun to sneak into my fathers liquor cabinet in the basement.  I didn't grab beer from the fridge or wine.  I decided to grab the $50 bottle of Crown Royal in the pretty purple pouch.  This was it.  After downing several piss-warm shots of this god-awful stuff, I proceeded to get drunk.  It was not good. It was not fun..  Getting drunk was not what I expected.  Luckily, I didn't throw up.  That was saved for my first experience with Tequila on Senior break  in Fort Lauderdale.  Oh, the joys of waking up in your own vomit.  To this day I still throw up a little in my mouth when I smell Tequila.  Can't do it.

I'm not much of a drinker now.  I actually am more enamored with the idea of having drinks.  I don't drink to get drunk.  Which makes me wonder why I drink at all.  I used to be able to drink like a viking in my earlier days.  Shots, funnels, shotguns, you name it!  I think if you set me up a funnel, I would vomit just looking at it now.  I was drinking to get drunk! That was during my college years, from what I can remember.  :-)  Now, it is a social thing.  Truth is, I don't like being drunk. I hate that feeling, that loopy, lethargic, where-are-my-pants feeling.  But I am a big fan of the buzz.  When I was singing in my band, I got to watch people go from sober to bombed.  It was always quite entertaining.  As long as I wasn't one of those people.

I can't drink hard alcohol.  That is reserved for date night dinners where I will have one Manhattan or a So Co on the rocks.  (no, I m not 70, I just drink like I am.)  I drink "girlie" drinks.  Twisted Tea is my go to, although now that I have been trying to lose weight, I find them less appealing at 220 calories a pop.  You may also find, at anytime, in my fridge, some sort of wine cooler.  Now, don't judge.  I know they are so 80's, but at least it's not Zima. (though I had been know to have some of those when they were popular.)  The problem is, I drink drinks that don't work.  You need about 13 Twisted Teas to get a buzz.  I need to start drinking Scotch, Jack or Jameson.  Those work, from what I gather.

When my children were little, I often found solace in going to Barnes & Noble & perusing the parenting books.  I was amazed at the number of mommy books that had alcohol in the title.  Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay, Three Martini Play-Date & Daddy Needs a Drink and If You give A Mommy A Martini to name just a few.  Is this the advice we are getting to cope with the stress of parenting?  Drink up?  No wonder why my parents had daily cocktails.  I get it now.  Thank god I didn't have a colicky child.  I would be in rehab.  Not to mention the prescription drugs that are so freely given to moms as well.  I think I am the only mother I know that does not have a script for Xanax.  (Although, I am considering it now, lol) 

I am not condoning the excessive use of alcohol as a means of escape.  Like anything else, I can see how it can get out of hand.  But I do love the idea of sipping a cold one on a hot day & feeling free.  Add to that a beautiful summer day or evening & it's on!  So go forth & enjoy your beverage a choice, responsibly.  With 6 weeks left of summer vacation, I may have to look into getting some Natty Light.  Mommy needs a drink!

Monday, July 11, 2011

KARMA Chameleon: Not-so-sweet Revenge

Interesting story last week.  A woman seeking revenge on her ex-boyfriend got creative.  She decided to get back at him by posting personal contact information about his new wife on a XXX porn site.  In return, this woman was inundated with elicit calls for hours on end from horny guys looking for some strange.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  Ain't that the truth.

I found this very telling.  This woman felt the need to hurt the other woman..not the man in her revenge scheme.  Why is this?   Now I do not know the intimate details about their relationship & it's downfall but it just confirms to me, once again, that women just don't like other women.  Sad, but true.

A Latin proverb states "Revenge is a confession of pain."  I like that.  Why admit that you are hurt? Revenge can be nasty thing.  We all have a sordid past when it comes to this.  We have all been wronged & secretly plotted out what we would like to do to the culprits. I'm just not sure we have all followed through with it.  There have been many crazy, sick & twisted stories of revenge over the years.  Ones that make you think "are these people for real?"

AMY FISHER:  The Long Island Lolita, as she was affectionately called, decided to confront her grease-ball boyfriend's wife & shoot her in the head.  That's one way to deal with it I guess.  I mean, I could see her attraction to Joey with his afro-mullet & his Zubza pants.  What a stud.

LISA "Left Eye" LOPES:  1/3 of TLC, may she rest in peace, decided she was going to get her then boyfriend, Andre Rison of the Atlanta Falcons, something to think about.  She showed him by lighting all the stuffed animals he had given her on fire in his bathtub.  Which, in turn, burnt his mansion to the ground.  Oops!

LORENA BOBBITT: This woman single-handedly placed fear in every man in America.  After years of supposed spousal abuse, Miss Lorena went to to the kitchen to get a glass of water one night & returned with a carving knife.  She proceeded to cut off her dear husband John's penis and the drove off with it.  She then tossed it out the window into an open field where it could no longer harm her.  After his "weapon" was recovered it took 9 hours for the doctors to re-attach his..um..thing. 

I must be a real wuss.  I may have plotted but never exacted revenge on anyone in my life.  Never shaved off someones eyebrows when they were sleeping, slipped Nair in a shampoo bottle or spray painted someones car.. It is amazing the level of psycho that people go to in times of turmoil.  All I know is that women have it over men in this capacity.  Women are calculating, smart & much better liars.  I mean this is the best possible way, of course.  The guys have no chance in competing here.  Sorry boys.

There is even a book to help you if you are so anemic in the revenge department you need assistance. Revenge for Dummies can help you find creative ways to embarrass, humiliate & retake control of the one's who have done you wrong.  Really?  Is this what has become of revenge?

Personally, I think most of these tactics make you look more desperate, needy & quite frankly, stupid.  You are not proving anything by trying to show who's boss here.  I am more of the opinion that things end, usually they end badly, and you deal with it. I mean, in Revenge of the Nerds, the Tri-Lambda's kicked the Alpha's asses, won the talent show (awesome routine, BTW) & showed everyone that success is the best revenge.  Corny? Yes, but true. Nothing better than running into an ex when you are dressed up, looking hot & can simply smile & walk by knowing that they are regretting doing you wrong.  Sure you would like to stop, throw a hay maker or your drink at them, but what is that going to prove?  Nothing. 

Karma is a bitch & she will find you. So please reconsider the next time you are plotting revenge.  Take a deep breath & remind yourself that what comes around ALWAYS goes around.  Right O.J.?