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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Halloween is for Sluts!


Lindsay Lohan is right!! 

Halloween is one of those cult "holidays."  There are people out there who wait all year to dress up, spend hours plotting and planning their outfit; and I'm talking about adults. I guess I understand the fantasy part of all hallows eve.  You get to be someone you are not.  Unless you are a slut, then you are totally in your element.

After spending numerous hours perusing the costume selections for women, I have some to a few conclusions.

1~   I am not skinny
2~  Although I would like to think I would look sexy in that "Bad Cop Babe" costume, who am I kidding?
4~  No females have breasts, apparently.  How do I get my girls in those tops?
3~  The overall theme for this years female costumes is SLUT!

Really, you girls know what I am talking about, right?  Every single costume is one inch short of a vaginal exam. Who can wear these outfits? Is it sad that the only one I should consider is a Nun getup with full length robe? Lord help us all!

I always had this fantasy that I could wear that latex catsuit that Halle Berry rocked as Catwoman. Latex is sexy if your body underneath doesn't look like an overstuffed sausage ready to burst. Now I understand the sexy cowgirl, mafia princess, vampire vixen..but was confused by the "sexy" ketchup bottle and "rocking raisin."  They even made ketchup slutty!  How is this possible? They make a "sexy" taxi driver outfit?  And let's not even talk about what they have done to all the beloved Disney characters. The only time I remember Snow White wearing fishnets & knee-high go-go boots was in the adult film adaptation of the tale "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs: Gang Bang Edition"

Halloween should be called Whore-O Ween or Turning Tricks- or Treat.. OK, I'm getting carried away now. 

Now I understand dressing like a tramp is acceptable and almost a prerequisite on Halloween but you must know your limits.  There are some guidelines that all women should abide by when selecting your costume. You know a costume will not work if you answer YES to either of the following 2 questions:

A. If you drop something, will you be able to pick it up without the entire party getting a clear shot of your uterus?

B. When bobbing for apples, will the person next to you accidentally bite your nipple because your breast have sprung out and are now floating along with the fruit?

I'm not going to go off on a rant here about female costumes being so over the top sexually. But case & point, let's just compare some female versions to their male counterpart.

                                     ARMY COSTUME:



You get my point?  I would light my own house on fire if that girl came to put it out!

Halloween is a time for fantasy but the reality of the costumes is enough to make me want to skip the dress up and move right on to Thanksgiving. Good luck in your search ladies! Go forth & be slutty!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


It was a beautiful afternoon.  It was October 23, 1986 and I was no more than sixteen and one half. I was a Junior in High School with a shiny new license and lucky enough to have the use of my mom's old station wagon. I played field hockey, and the team would practice every afternoon at the Middle School, which was a short drive from the High School.  The daily ritual was to pile in the wagon and I would drive to practice.  It was a beautiful afternoon.

This was October 23rd.  A date that forever lives in my memory as one of the worst days of my life.  A day that haunts me still, even 26 years later.  I remember every second.  Every.  Second.

11 girls piled into my car that day. How was I to know what would happen?  That I was driving faster than I probably should have.  That in my inexperience I swerved around a corner too suddenly and that the car would fishtail.  That in a split second I would hit two trees and end up on a front lawn just inches from someones house.  I can hear screaming and then silence. I was in shock.  I was not hurt.  The others were not so lucky.

I don't think you understand the impact something like this has on your psyche.  Even now, I can picture the car; twisted metal, smoke, shattered glass, flat tires, clothing strewn about.  A body pinned underneath, blood, dirt and deafening silence.

God was watching us that day as no one was killed. The injuries were many and although physically I was not hurt, I still carry this burden.  Like it was yesterday.

I learned many lessons from this event.  My mother wrote me a note that night and I still keep in a jewelry box in my bedroom.  It spoke of love and family. She said at times like these "the ones you can trust are your family" and that I need to "be prepared" for what may come of this. This confused me.  I was 16 and I got into a car accident.  What possibly could she be talking about?

She was talking about the days and weeks that followed. The police questioning, the criminal charges, the criminal lawyer I had to retain.  The hate mail I and my family received from sick cowards.  The two page, full-spread pictorial of the accident in the local paper. The questions being asked to all the rode with me that day: "Did she have any enemies in the car? and "was she drinking?" I was 16 and had no clue... No clue that a car accident would turn into this nightmare.  That it was seen as an opportunity for many to show cruelty and hatred.  That friends I thought would show support wouldn't. I was 16 and had no clue what the real world was like. My mother knew and as she so eloquently warned me in that letter; telling me to sleep in peace and that she loved me.

Life has a funny way of showing even a young girl the hard realities that your life can change in an instant. 26 years later I remain forever changed. My injuries have not healed.

Today is October 23.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Communication Breakdown

-cue final Jeopardy theme music

Answer: A major reason why society can no longer communicate effectively?

Question: What is FACEBOOK!

I do spend more time than I care to admit on Facebook.  It is entertaining to be the voyeur and live vicariously through other peoples posts, pics & comments.  But as time goes on, I realize that Facebook is the beginning of the end of communication as we know it.

When I first joined FB, I used it as a tool for promotion for my band & my job as a makeup artist.  What a perfect way to reach many people in just one post!  I still, to this day, use it as a tool.  Not a confessional.  When did it become OK to post your most personal issues for all the FB world to see?  Again, I am guilty of scrolling through the minutia for a laugh but I am sometimes totally stunned by what people will put out there!

Amidst the regular FB members are a variety of characters:

The Lurker : one that watches... but never posts

The Show Off: Look at me & how great I am.. Tell me how great I am!

The Instigator: Posting things for shock value for reaction

The Pity Seeker: Poor me, please comment & boost my ego 

And the worst of all offenders: The Coward!!! 

I know you have all seen these posts. If you have a problem with someone or something shouldn't you deal with it face to face?  Putting ambiguous posts on Facebook is not going to solve anything, and in fact, usually makes the problem worse.  This is the worst type of post, in my opinion.  You know who your are directing the post to, but fail to mention them by name. It's like a big guessing game. (on top of ridiculous & immature) This is as bad as texting someone to tell them that you are pregnant, fired or you want to break up with them.  When did we all lose our spine?  Social media has provided a platform for all of us to hide behind and be tough.  What happened to honesty & the truth?  (and growing a pair?) I mean, some situation require an actual sit-down, don't they?  Not a text, FB message or email on whim...

It is like High School all over again. Posting things & waiting for approval, likes, comments & validation. I have watched actual FB fights via comments. Have you ever seen this? Adults bantering back & forth on FB.. not to each other, but virtually. I understand some people get off on shock value, but does anyone out there see this as a problem? It's disturbing to me.

When are we all going to realize that true communication needs to come directly from our mouths and not our electronic devices?  Now, I am not saying that you need to have diarrhea of the mouth every time you open up, but when it comes to the important things in life, don't we owe that to each other?  I may have not liked everything that my parents told me, but I am the better for it. I would choose the hard truth over sugar-coating any day.

I have to admit, I too have become a victim of this "virtual lack of sac." We all have been happy, at one time or another, to send an email, text or FB message instead of making a difficult phone call or speaking to someone face to face. It's part of the generation.  All I am saying is that is this the end of communication as we know it?  Is the real digital zombie apocalypse is upon us?

I enjoy Facebook for its entertainment value, not as a virtual soapbox.  Random thoughts & feelings have a place out there, but personal attacks do not.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the way we communicate is forever changed.  In turn, this has made us weaker as a society.  Adults fighting like kids on FB, kids getting bullied via text; it is a breeding ground for the cowardly and insecure. We do not have to stand up to anyone anymore..we can just call them out on FB....in code, of course. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

20 Ways I Know I'm Getting Old...

1.  I go to bed at 9:30pm.  For real.  In bed.
2.  Ma'am is the new Miss.  Hate that!
3.  I just found a shoebox of cassettes in the basement
4.  I saw a Wham! Choose Life shirt at Macy's & got a visual of the video of George Michael on MTV with the orange short-shorts 
5. I remember videos on MTV
6. I hate house music at clubs
7. I drink Manhattans
8. My dream gift would be a combo Ms. Pac Man / Galaga, dual-player bar table
9. People are now holding doors open for ME
10. There are Tums, Advil & Xanax in my bag at all times
11. Tommy Lee is 50!  (And Pam Anderson is busted!)
12. I got excited when they re-introduced Purple Passion at the liquor store
13. We go away overnight to a hotel... and actually sleep
14. I know what Haffenreffer, Mad Dog 20/20 & a beer ball are
15. Wake & Bake now relates to actual food
16. I wonder if the boys I see at the bar I'm at could actually be my son
17. I no longer think Adam Sandler is funny
18. One of the Beastie Boys is dead
19. I still own adult movies on VHS tapes
20. I still own a VCR


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Dear Mr. Fantasy.....

I gotta say, I'm feeling a little..what's the word?  What's the female equivalent to blue balls?  Is there one? (according to the Urban Dictionary, that would be Blue Bean) I finished all 3 Fifty Shades books and now I'm left with, well... nothing!  I don't think I had ever been so motivated to read anything, ever!  (a little sad, but, I'll admit it)

This is a brief look into the 2 weeks I was reading the trilogy....

"Honey?  Where are you going?"  ....9:45pm every night for 2 weeks straight

"Um, I'm tired.  I'm just going to read a little before bed."

2 hours later....

"Honey?  What is that buzzing sound??" 

OK, I added that part in for fun (wink, wink)

It's like a porn hangover... I feel a little pent up. You know what I mean ladies? (Sure you do, you sex kittens.) It's OK, you are not alone.

SPOILER ALERT!!!  OK, when the narrator shifted from Ana to Christian toward the end of book 3, I have to say, I was pretty jacked up.  I think I would rather read it from his point of view.  I have about had it with all this inner goddess nonsense & really bad euphemisms for vagina.  I mean, can't you think of anything better than "my sex?"  Really? 

After 1623 pages of Christian and Ana, flogging, cuffs, multiple orgasms, submissives & ben-wa balls, a girl gets a little hot & bothered.  I guess romance has taken a dark & delicious turn, eh?  No more walks on the beach on a moonlit night...now it's to the playroom for some nipple clamps & blindfolds.  This book should come with a how-to guide.

This reminds me of the feelings I had when I watched the very first season of True Blood.  (before it started getting confusing & borderline ridiculous) How could a show about vampires turn me on?  Perhaps it was all the sex, blood & Fangtasia. (A place, that if truly existed, I would SO go to)  I may need therapy..or more therapy, I should say.  Sookie, Bill & Eric (yum) took me on a ride similar to 50 Shades.  You can't help think to yourself.. "am I a completely sick & twisted individual?"  Guess I'm guilty..on all counts.

I have heard these stories have various comparisons to the Twilight saga.  Maybe it's me, but that whole thing was super creepy.  All those "Twi-Hard" moms having parties and swooning over Edward & Jake?  Aren't they teenagers?  That borders on jail bait, you crazy cougars! At least I am hot for adult vampires & dominants.

The line between fantasy & reality is blurred here.  I think that women enjoy fantasy in their minds, while men want to actually experience the fantasy..for real.  In this day of disposable monogamy, is it wrong to explore & actually fulfill your fantasies?  I have had many conversations with men & women about this. Will making your fantasy a reality ruin your relationship?  Interesting question.  I guess it depends on a few things. 

First of all..trust!  I am a girl. Girls have a hard time separating sex & love.  For many, it is one in the same.  That jealousy thing creeps in. (damn, you jealousy!) But from what I have ascertained from my research is that men don't have this problem.  They can separate love & sex.  This must be a nice.  Many couples look to "spice" things up and end up a complete mess because of jealously.  Funny, how that is.. 

Secondly..(is that even a word?) Real life people look WAY different than the fantasy people you have in your sick little head.  I do not have a group of girlfriends that are 38-23-36 with rock-hard bodies that strip down and break into a tickle fight when we go out for a few too many drinks.  That is a shame, but true.

My thoughts are that in order for this to be a success, both parties must be on the same EXACT page.  Boundaries, rules and all that good stuff need to be discussed and agreed upon before you embark on your hedonistic journey.  Otherwise, you are screwed. (and not in the good way.)

Perhaps all this 50 Shades craziness will open up some minds and make relationships better?  I think it will.  Then again, I'm a little twisted.

Sorry for all the sex talk lately.. These damn books are making me crazy.  So while I patiently wait for the next installment Christian & Ana to be released, I will be here, biting my bottom lip.

Laters, baby......

Thursday, May 31, 2012

No Sweat! A Girls Guide to Summertime Makeup

Ahhh, summertime!!  What's a girl to do to stay pretty & fresh on those hot summer days?  Making your makeup last in the heat takes very little effort if you have the right products. Here are some tricks & tip to help you look hot..ummm, when it's hot!

First rule:  Do not pile on the makeup!

A fresh summer look should not be caked on & chalky.  A dewy, sun-kissed look is the way to go.  You can still get coverage without looking like your have Spackle on your face.

A few choices in the foundation department:


Foundation is OUT for summer.  Tinted moisturizer gives you sheer coverage and even tone without looking like a cakey mess.  You can always use a bit of concealer for extra coverage.  

Josie Maran Argan Tinted Moisturizer is lightweight, paraben free, SPF 30 and feels like heaven on your skin. Available in 6 shades.

Tarte Amazonian Clay BB Tinted Moisturizer is ultra-light, oil free and provides SPF 20.  Comes in 8 great shades too!


What girl doesn't want that sun-kissed look?  Now, I'm not talking Snooki...I'm talking a light, bronze glow that is healthy..not Ooompa-Loompa! Be careful with bronzers that have sparkle or glitter in them.  You don't want to look like a disco ball when the sun hit you!  Powered bronzer also comes in different shades. It is NOT a one color looks great all all type of deal.  You want to choose one that is complimentary to your skin color and not one that is 5 shades darker (need I mention Snooki again?)

Clinque Bronzing Gel for MEN, (yes Men) has been a staple in my makeup kit for years.  I like the mens version for 2 reasons:  It is super light in consistency (I blend it with my moisturizer before applying) and it is cheaper than the women's gel that the carry. Water based & not a hint of shimmer...just bronze!  Love this!

MAC MATTE Bronzing Power is another go-to for me in the summer.  A sheer, MATTE powder that gives that just-off-the-beach look with, again, NO SPARKLE. Apply lightly to cheeks, chin, nose & forehead...and don't forget your neck!


Having that "glow" is big right now.  But it can go wrong in so many ways, you have to be careful.  What you are trying to achieve is a highlight on specific areas to accentuate your face.  You do not want to use highlighter all over.  It needs to be strategically placed.  See below.

Benefit's Watt's Up! (see what they did there?)
is one of my obsessions right now.  A glow-stick for cheekbones, cupids bow and anything you need to stand out!  Double ended with a flocked tip to blend seamlessly!


Raccoon-eyes be gone!  I have tried every mascara know to man and as you all know, it is trial and error when it comes to waterproof mascara.  They all promise no "smudging, fading & running" but that is not always the case. Here are two of my faves:

Cover Girl Lash Blast Volume has the really black pigment (I use Very Black) that I love and does not move all day!  Love the wand that separates & defines without clumping.
Make Up For Ever Aqua Smoky Lash rocks!  Black, dramatic & stays put! That's what you are looking for!

Now, they do sell numerous kinds of waterproof eyeliner & shadow.  Personally, I think it is a bit much to be wearing either of those for a day in the sun or at the pool/beach.  Keep it simple & pretty.


I love glossy lips. (much to the chagrin of my husband)  You want to stay away from those "long-lasting" or all day wear glosses.  I have tried many many of them.  (You look like an old lady with scraggly, wrinkled lips..yuck!)  Just re-apply as needed to keep your lips glossy & kissable.

Love some of these nude shades:

Victoria's Secret Lip Gloss in LOVER!  Perfect nude.  Love this!
Bare Escentuals BUXOM Lip Polish in SUGAR.  I love the hint of minty-coffee this lip gloss has.  A bit of pink with shimmer.

BeneFit Benetint Lip Balm.  Their flagship product adds a hint of color and and SPF of 15 to protect.  It also doubles as cheek color.  Just dab on your apples for a quick pick-me-up.

Hope you stay cool & looking hot this summer.  Let me know your favorite tips, products or tricks for when it's hot out there.  Enjoy the heat & stay pretty, my friends!

And remember.......

Thursday, May 24, 2012

"Like" a Virgin?

It's funny what motivates me to write.  I was watching a piece on Real Sports about Olympic hopeful, LoLo Jones.  The story didn't focus on her hard work & dedication to running or her attempt to make the US Team for the 2012 Olympics in London.  It was about the fact that she is a virgin.  Let me say that again.. SHE IS A VIRGIN! Beautiful, 29 years old & never been..well, you know.

Apparently, when you declare your self a virgin, the world goes into frenzy.  Now, she started all this hype herself with random Tweets about how guys bolt when the find out she doesn't "finish the race." Big surprise there.  This woman is gorgeous, talented & ripped. (<-- you really should click on this link, wow) She was quoted saying she wants to save her virginity "as a gift, to give to her husband."  Sweet, isn't it?

Stories about abstinence intrigue me.  I know that there has been talk about pacts being made by kids in High School to say no, Jessica Simpson saved herself for her now ex-husband, Nick Lachey (that didn't go as planned I guess) and of course, the poster boy of pious, Tim Tebow.  I admire people who are so dedicated to their beliefs.  That must take some really strong will & dedication. I must be of weak moral fiber.  I can't even commit to an exercise regimine.  Maybe I should start going back to church?

In this day of sex-everywhere, taking a stand and saying "No" is something to be commended. However, before I start handing out virgin of the year trophies, there are a few things that I need cleared up about the abstinence thing. First off, is it just a hard (sorry for the pun) NO for the intercourse part? Can you do other stuff? Does hide the tip count?  Or is is just holding hands & kissing.  I mean you can be a virgin & still be slutty, right?  If someone say, pleasures the entire football team in "other ways," does that count?  Is it above the waist only?  Don't laugh..these are very important questions.

The definition of Abstinence is:

The act or practice of refraining from indulging an appetite or desire, especially for alcoholic drink or sexual intercourse.

OK...so abstinence is not just referring to the act itself, yet the desire & appetite for something as well.  So, I would interpret that as it is not only the actual intercourse part, but everything that leads up to that as well, is off limits.  WOW!  That must be really hard! (lol, made myself laugh again)

Do you think Tim Tebow has gone to 2nd base?  Come on, he must have, right?  I guess it depends on what he considers "abstinence."  I mean, you cannot live your life saying "I'm waiting till I'm married" if your definition is loosely based on the actual one. If you practice abstinence, is your ideal match someone else who is holding out as well?  Can you imagine that wedding night?

 So, now that I have worked this out while typing, maybe I shouldn't be THAT impressed with abstinence? If you can round the bases & the 3rd base ump holds you up from scoring, it's still a triple right? 

For the record, I did NOT wait till I was married. I did, however, wait to have my first time with someone I "loved."  Ah, the memories of awkwardness & sex.  Those were the days.  I personally think people should wait to have sex.  I mean, did we really know what we were doing?  Think of all the wasted time on bad sex, fumbling around with no "big finish." I think it takes women a while to realizes that sex is supposed to be pleasurable for us too!  (SMH, oh the wasted time)

Are any of you out there reading this virgins?  I'd like to meet a modern-day virgin, up close.  I would like to understand how, in a world of total sex, you can hold out.  Now that would be a great interview!  Call me, virgins!  The lines are now open!

Friday, April 27, 2012

50 Shades of.. oh, YES!

Unless you have been hiding under a rock, you have most likely heard about the book that is causing quite a stir in the skirts of many women called "50 Shades of Grey."  Being dubbed as "mommy porn," this deliciously explicit story written by E.L. James has awakened the sexual minds of women all over the world.  In a recent interview, James alluded to the fact that his book was written for "fun" and was basically a diary of her sexual fantasies.  Who knew that it would explode like it did?  (pardon the term.)

Anything that is sexual always seems to be considered taboo, even in this day.  Especially if it curls the toes of the most modest of  soccer-moms & good girls.  I am neither of those.  I enjoy a good, juicy fantasy.  What's funny is that this book has rekindled the fire in many women's relationships, which is a very good thing in my book.  From twenty-somethings to silver hairs, "50 Shades of Grey" is considered "acceptable" porn.  Another thing that confuses me.  Pornography has been around a long time, and is mostly considered a "guy thing."  I admit, I have never been afraid of porn.  It has always intrigued me a bit.  Does this make me a slut? No. Women are really funny when it comes to embracing their own sexuality.  Surely, you cannot admit enjoying reading about this play-by-play account of a young girl being thrust into a secret world of S&M and this dominant/submissive relationship.  Didn't you ever see 9 1/2 weeks?  Same premise with a very hot & sexy Mickey Rourke (before he got all spray tanned & busted) Who wasn't on fire watching that little gem? 

This is being considered an "erotic novel."  I love euphemisms.  It's porn, ladies.  Say it out loud with me! Barnes & Noble has never been so happy.  Ladies walking in there with big sunglasses on, like it was V.I.P or something, grabbing this book off the shelves faster than they can print them.  Women proclaiming the this is the "best book they have ever read!"  Funny how sex does that. It has also been said to "unnerve some guys."  Ha! Empowerment at it's best. No longer do we have to pin our sexual fantasies to cheesy Jackie Collins books & Harlequin romances. (icky...Fabio!) I guess it takes a good spanking or two to ring everyone bell.  It has been compared to the Twilight series, in it's similar "secret" world & forbidden love theme.  Vampires & S&M?  Maybe that should be in the next book?

When I went out to buy this book, I was in Wal-Mart at the time.  I asked the women stocking the books if they had it.  She replied "Wal-Mart has decided not to carry that book."  I said "funny, I can by a gun here but not a book with a little sex in it?"  I found that humorous, as did she. I figured with all the pent up mothers shopping there they would make a killing.  But it's not to be I guess.

Women & porn has always been like oil & water.  Women are not supposed to like it, but all their men wished they did.  I mean. what are we talking about here?  Light-off & missionary, I guess.  That is what many women think they are supposed to represent.  Reading a book about some that disturbs & excites you must be bad, right?  WRONG!  Fantasy is just that..fantasy.  You can transport yourself.  Isn't that what books & movies are for?  What's the big deal? 

If you have not read this book, I suggest you get in that minivan and go get it.  Tonight!  It isn't War & Peace, but I gotta tell you, it is a good read if you let yourself take it for what it is.  Go forth ladies..and maybe you could stop at V.I.P. afterwards?  Just a thought.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Mother, Mother..

After watching a piece this morning on The Today Show, I'm feeling a little better about myself.  The segment focused on a mom who wrote a book called "Confessions of a Scary Mommy."  An honest look at motherhood, as they call it. (Damn, this should have been my book deal!)  After a year of blogging about the ups & downs of being a mother in this day & age, I find it unfortunate that we still need to justify how we choose to parent our children.  How we define "mother" and ours & ours alone.

In the video montage, mother after mother admit to feeling overwhelmed, having the life sucked out of them and just wanting to read Us magazine instead of cooking dinner.  You know what?  All OK!!!  Is it so bad that a mother admits that she looks forward to when the kids go to bed so she can uncork her Chardonnay and relax? Or another who confessed that she feels no guilt when she vacations, sans kids, twice a year with her husband?  I say, good for you ladies!  Becoming a mother does not mean forgetting everything you are.  Sure there are things you need to prioritize, but we can't have any sense of self? 

I have been a mother for almost 9 years. A rookie, you could say. I have learned an incredible amount about myself as a person during this crazy & amazing time. Not all good, but not all bad either. I remember when my oldest was born.  I looked at my husband and said "we are somebody's parents?"  OMG!  I guess I figured I would be transformed into this domestic goddess that wore an apron, whistled while I worked & had all the answers.  9 years later, I don't own an apron or an ironing board (much to the chagrin of my own mother) and remain as confused as ever.  What I tell myself everyday is that it is OK!  It is OK that I don't know the answers.  Who does?  These so-called "experts" try to tell us that balance is the key.  I tend to lean more toward alcohol or the magic 8 ball.

The truth is that no one is a mother like you. You are you.  Wonderful, crazy, neurotic, bitchy, unstable, loving & exhausted you!  And anyone who tells you that is wrong needs to be kicked in the shins.  Honestly being a mommy is the scariest thing ever.  You are responsible for a life & raising this child in a day where nothing a taboo and cookies & milk cannot solve everything.  No book can tell you what to do. They can only justify your feelings & validate that you are only one person who is doing their best.  What gets me is that we are constantly having to explain why we are who we are.  Who are we trying to impress? 

There are many times when I sit & think about "what would so-and-so think" and how I am perceived by others.  I know that it shouldn't matter, but deep inside, it does.  To many of us, we are out to prove something to someone when we really should just.. be.  It is a struggle for all of us mommies out there.  But at the end of the day I can sleep knowing that I am doing the best I can do, and that is has to be enough. 

There isn't an attainable mold we need to fit into.  Trying to do so results in this monumental guilt complex that we all have. That is no way to live.  I want to be happy, don't you?  I would love to be this stunningly beautiful, perfectly fit, cupcake baking, skinny-jeans wearing mom who floats through PTO meetings & baseball practices with ease.  In the real world, I wear sweatpants more often than I care to admit, I have roots, my house is not spotless and I sometimes do enjoy reading the occasional Us magazine while my kids eat chicken nuggets from a bag.  I think there are more of us out there than you think, ladies.  Embrace you..and forget all the other bullshit out there.  Is that so scary? 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Workin' a Merkin

To pay homage to my most popular blog post to date, Mind Your Own Bikini's Wax, I thought I would revisit the topic with some new, interesting news on the lady-land down under.  It is 2012.  The year of the dragon, our supposed fate awaiting us in December thanks to the end of the Mayan calendar and....wait for it... the newest trend.  The Merkin.  Yes, ladies, the merkin is now the newest trend in hoochy adornment.  Now, for those who are confused let's end the suspense.  A merkin is, in lay terms, a pubic wig.  Yes, who knew that they had those? Apparently, less is not more when it comes to the vaj these days.  I, like most of you, do not understand the romance, but let's take a look & see what the hell is going on.

The owner of  the Completely Bare spa, sassy & over-botoxed Cindy Barshop from NY Housewives" fame, says that "the merkin business is booming." (It is winter afterall, maybe the kitty is cold? )  She has recently come under fire from PETA (get a freaking life people) for their use of real fox fur merkins in a variety of colors.  Now, getting a luxe vag wig will cost you a pretty penny with services starting at around $200 bucks.  First rhinestones now fur & feathers?  Are we supposed to create a diorama down there? I am still confused.

I thought the idea was to take it all off.. Now this is what we are supposed to go with?  Gives new meaning to hair pie, huh?

This disturbs me a little bit.  How are you supposed to conceal this under your pants? 

"Is that a peacock in your pants or are you just mentally deranged?"  Really, ladies.  I am all for spicing things up but this is borderline insane.  It' looks like a craft my 7 year old son would put together.  Unless your are currently employed at Scores, I am thinking that this is not a choice for you. 

The merkin has been around for quite awhile on-screen. I found this little furry nugget on-line. Gotta love Google.  Here is a list of the top 10 merkins.  I have to laugh.  Just saying the word merkin out loud makes me giddy.

There are a number of exotic choices out there. You can totally base it on the occasion & your mans personality.

The Black Tie Event:

The Star Wars lover:

The Golfer

One for breakfast:
(umm, bacon)

There is even one your Grammy can make for you:

Obviously things have gotten totally out of hand in the pleasure palace.  I'm thinking you can make any one of these with some household items, a trip to the craft store & a glue stick. 

Have fun with it girls.  Soon we will all be workin' a merkin.  OK, that was bad..but it was either that or jerkin and I didn't want to go there.  Good luck & please....keep it in your pants..

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Fuc*#% Perfect

Happy New Year!  2012 already?  I like to think that a new year brings new possibilities. The race toward perfection.  This is the year that I will lose weight, stop smoking, reduce stress, do charitable work & focus on becoming a better person.  Yeah, right..  It seems every January I have very high hopes.  In fact , I just had myself a little workout.  Maybe there is hope for me. (although I sit & write this while chain-smoking)  Oops!

I always wanted to be one of those really super-motivated people.  Ones who say "I'm going to run a marathon this year," and then go do it.  Damn those people!  I don't think I was born with that gene. That & I really don't have the physical "attributes" of a runner.  I'm more of a non-runner, if you will.  A sitter. Although after catching a glimpse of myself post-shower in the full length mirror I should really get my ass moving. Good god!  I was an athlete my whole life.  What happened there? I don't feel that guilty.  Even Serena Williams admitted just this week that she hates working out.  (Anything to justify my laziness.) 

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be better. To be perfect. A perfect mother, person, wife, daughter, sister, friend.  I know that I need improvement in many areas.  I am FAR from perfect.

I find it difficult, if not impossible to pick out one thing to work on & then follow through.  I believe that this is the reason why so many of us fail at our so-called "resolutions."  This year WILL be different.  This year we should all make a list of the things we actually LIKE about ourselves.  Instead of beating ourselves up, we should commend ourselves for a job well done.  Resolutions end up being another reason for us to put ourselves down & say "you are weak, & you suck!" Am I right?  IDK..

I challenge each of you to stop criticizing every detail in your life & to stop & realize that your got it pretty good.  You are strong, wonderful & dare I say....OK?  This is my resolution for 2012.  To look at myself in a positive way & be happy at what I see.  I'm tired of trying to find perfect.. because, honestly..I'm never going to get there.  Let's be imperfect. 
I like that idea......