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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Halloween is for Sluts!


Lindsay Lohan is right!! 

Halloween is one of those cult "holidays."  There are people out there who wait all year to dress up, spend hours plotting and planning their outfit; and I'm talking about adults. I guess I understand the fantasy part of all hallows eve.  You get to be someone you are not.  Unless you are a slut, then you are totally in your element.

After spending numerous hours perusing the costume selections for women, I have some to a few conclusions.

1~   I am not skinny
2~  Although I would like to think I would look sexy in that "Bad Cop Babe" costume, who am I kidding?
4~  No females have breasts, apparently.  How do I get my girls in those tops?
3~  The overall theme for this years female costumes is SLUT!

Really, you girls know what I am talking about, right?  Every single costume is one inch short of a vaginal exam. Who can wear these outfits? Is it sad that the only one I should consider is a Nun getup with full length robe? Lord help us all!

I always had this fantasy that I could wear that latex catsuit that Halle Berry rocked as Catwoman. Latex is sexy if your body underneath doesn't look like an overstuffed sausage ready to burst. Now I understand the sexy cowgirl, mafia princess, vampire vixen..but was confused by the "sexy" ketchup bottle and "rocking raisin."  They even made ketchup slutty!  How is this possible? They make a "sexy" taxi driver outfit?  And let's not even talk about what they have done to all the beloved Disney characters. The only time I remember Snow White wearing fishnets & knee-high go-go boots was in the adult film adaptation of the tale "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs: Gang Bang Edition"

Halloween should be called Whore-O Ween or Turning Tricks- or Treat.. OK, I'm getting carried away now. 

Now I understand dressing like a tramp is acceptable and almost a prerequisite on Halloween but you must know your limits.  There are some guidelines that all women should abide by when selecting your costume. You know a costume will not work if you answer YES to either of the following 2 questions:

A. If you drop something, will you be able to pick it up without the entire party getting a clear shot of your uterus?

B. When bobbing for apples, will the person next to you accidentally bite your nipple because your breast have sprung out and are now floating along with the fruit?

I'm not going to go off on a rant here about female costumes being so over the top sexually. But case & point, let's just compare some female versions to their male counterpart.

                                     ARMY COSTUME:



You get my point?  I would light my own house on fire if that girl came to put it out!

Halloween is a time for fantasy but the reality of the costumes is enough to make me want to skip the dress up and move right on to Thanksgiving. Good luck in your search ladies! Go forth & be slutty!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


It was a beautiful afternoon.  It was October 23, 1986 and I was no more than sixteen and one half. I was a Junior in High School with a shiny new license and lucky enough to have the use of my mom's old station wagon. I played field hockey, and the team would practice every afternoon at the Middle School, which was a short drive from the High School.  The daily ritual was to pile in the wagon and I would drive to practice.  It was a beautiful afternoon.

This was October 23rd.  A date that forever lives in my memory as one of the worst days of my life.  A day that haunts me still, even 26 years later.  I remember every second.  Every.  Second.

11 girls piled into my car that day. How was I to know what would happen?  That I was driving faster than I probably should have.  That in my inexperience I swerved around a corner too suddenly and that the car would fishtail.  That in a split second I would hit two trees and end up on a front lawn just inches from someones house.  I can hear screaming and then silence. I was in shock.  I was not hurt.  The others were not so lucky.

I don't think you understand the impact something like this has on your psyche.  Even now, I can picture the car; twisted metal, smoke, shattered glass, flat tires, clothing strewn about.  A body pinned underneath, blood, dirt and deafening silence.

God was watching us that day as no one was killed. The injuries were many and although physically I was not hurt, I still carry this burden.  Like it was yesterday.

I learned many lessons from this event.  My mother wrote me a note that night and I still keep in a jewelry box in my bedroom.  It spoke of love and family. She said at times like these "the ones you can trust are your family" and that I need to "be prepared" for what may come of this. This confused me.  I was 16 and I got into a car accident.  What possibly could she be talking about?

She was talking about the days and weeks that followed. The police questioning, the criminal charges, the criminal lawyer I had to retain.  The hate mail I and my family received from sick cowards.  The two page, full-spread pictorial of the accident in the local paper. The questions being asked to all the rode with me that day: "Did she have any enemies in the car? and "was she drinking?" I was 16 and had no clue... No clue that a car accident would turn into this nightmare.  That it was seen as an opportunity for many to show cruelty and hatred.  That friends I thought would show support wouldn't. I was 16 and had no clue what the real world was like. My mother knew and as she so eloquently warned me in that letter; telling me to sleep in peace and that she loved me.

Life has a funny way of showing even a young girl the hard realities that your life can change in an instant. 26 years later I remain forever changed. My injuries have not healed.

Today is October 23.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Communication Breakdown

-cue final Jeopardy theme music

Answer: A major reason why society can no longer communicate effectively?

Question: What is FACEBOOK!

I do spend more time than I care to admit on Facebook.  It is entertaining to be the voyeur and live vicariously through other peoples posts, pics & comments.  But as time goes on, I realize that Facebook is the beginning of the end of communication as we know it.

When I first joined FB, I used it as a tool for promotion for my band & my job as a makeup artist.  What a perfect way to reach many people in just one post!  I still, to this day, use it as a tool.  Not a confessional.  When did it become OK to post your most personal issues for all the FB world to see?  Again, I am guilty of scrolling through the minutia for a laugh but I am sometimes totally stunned by what people will put out there!

Amidst the regular FB members are a variety of characters:

The Lurker : one that watches... but never posts

The Show Off: Look at me & how great I am.. Tell me how great I am!

The Instigator: Posting things for shock value for reaction

The Pity Seeker: Poor me, please comment & boost my ego 

And the worst of all offenders: The Coward!!! 

I know you have all seen these posts. If you have a problem with someone or something shouldn't you deal with it face to face?  Putting ambiguous posts on Facebook is not going to solve anything, and in fact, usually makes the problem worse.  This is the worst type of post, in my opinion.  You know who your are directing the post to, but fail to mention them by name. It's like a big guessing game. (on top of ridiculous & immature) This is as bad as texting someone to tell them that you are pregnant, fired or you want to break up with them.  When did we all lose our spine?  Social media has provided a platform for all of us to hide behind and be tough.  What happened to honesty & the truth?  (and growing a pair?) I mean, some situation require an actual sit-down, don't they?  Not a text, FB message or email on whim...

It is like High School all over again. Posting things & waiting for approval, likes, comments & validation. I have watched actual FB fights via comments. Have you ever seen this? Adults bantering back & forth on FB.. not to each other, but virtually. I understand some people get off on shock value, but does anyone out there see this as a problem? It's disturbing to me.

When are we all going to realize that true communication needs to come directly from our mouths and not our electronic devices?  Now, I am not saying that you need to have diarrhea of the mouth every time you open up, but when it comes to the important things in life, don't we owe that to each other?  I may have not liked everything that my parents told me, but I am the better for it. I would choose the hard truth over sugar-coating any day.

I have to admit, I too have become a victim of this "virtual lack of sac." We all have been happy, at one time or another, to send an email, text or FB message instead of making a difficult phone call or speaking to someone face to face. It's part of the generation.  All I am saying is that is this the end of communication as we know it?  Is the real digital zombie apocalypse is upon us?

I enjoy Facebook for its entertainment value, not as a virtual soapbox.  Random thoughts & feelings have a place out there, but personal attacks do not.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the way we communicate is forever changed.  In turn, this has made us weaker as a society.  Adults fighting like kids on FB, kids getting bullied via text; it is a breeding ground for the cowardly and insecure. We do not have to stand up to anyone anymore..we can just call them out on FB....in code, of course. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

20 Ways I Know I'm Getting Old...

1.  I go to bed at 9:30pm.  For real.  In bed.
2.  Ma'am is the new Miss.  Hate that!
3.  I just found a shoebox of cassettes in the basement
4.  I saw a Wham! Choose Life shirt at Macy's & got a visual of the video of George Michael on MTV with the orange short-shorts 
5. I remember videos on MTV
6. I hate house music at clubs
7. I drink Manhattans
8. My dream gift would be a combo Ms. Pac Man / Galaga, dual-player bar table
9. People are now holding doors open for ME
10. There are Tums, Advil & Xanax in my bag at all times
11. Tommy Lee is 50!  (And Pam Anderson is busted!)
12. I got excited when they re-introduced Purple Passion at the liquor store
13. We go away overnight to a hotel... and actually sleep
14. I know what Haffenreffer, Mad Dog 20/20 & a beer ball are
15. Wake & Bake now relates to actual food
16. I wonder if the boys I see at the bar I'm at could actually be my son
17. I no longer think Adam Sandler is funny
18. One of the Beastie Boys is dead
19. I still own adult movies on VHS tapes
20. I still own a VCR