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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Halloween is for Sluts!


Lindsay Lohan is right!! 

Halloween is one of those cult "holidays."  There are people out there who wait all year to dress up, spend hours plotting and planning their outfit; and I'm talking about adults. I guess I understand the fantasy part of all hallows eve.  You get to be someone you are not.  Unless you are a slut, then you are totally in your element.

After spending numerous hours perusing the costume selections for women, I have some to a few conclusions.

1~   I am not skinny
2~  Although I would like to think I would look sexy in that "Bad Cop Babe" costume, who am I kidding?
4~  No females have breasts, apparently.  How do I get my girls in those tops?
3~  The overall theme for this years female costumes is SLUT!

Really, you girls know what I am talking about, right?  Every single costume is one inch short of a vaginal exam. Who can wear these outfits? Is it sad that the only one I should consider is a Nun getup with full length robe? Lord help us all!

I always had this fantasy that I could wear that latex catsuit that Halle Berry rocked as Catwoman. Latex is sexy if your body underneath doesn't look like an overstuffed sausage ready to burst. Now I understand the sexy cowgirl, mafia princess, vampire vixen..but was confused by the "sexy" ketchup bottle and "rocking raisin."  They even made ketchup slutty!  How is this possible? They make a "sexy" taxi driver outfit?  And let's not even talk about what they have done to all the beloved Disney characters. The only time I remember Snow White wearing fishnets & knee-high go-go boots was in the adult film adaptation of the tale "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs: Gang Bang Edition"

Halloween should be called Whore-O Ween or Turning Tricks- or Treat.. OK, I'm getting carried away now. 

Now I understand dressing like a tramp is acceptable and almost a prerequisite on Halloween but you must know your limits.  There are some guidelines that all women should abide by when selecting your costume. You know a costume will not work if you answer YES to either of the following 2 questions:

A. If you drop something, will you be able to pick it up without the entire party getting a clear shot of your uterus?

B. When bobbing for apples, will the person next to you accidentally bite your nipple because your breast have sprung out and are now floating along with the fruit?

I'm not going to go off on a rant here about female costumes being so over the top sexually. But case & point, let's just compare some female versions to their male counterpart.

                                     ARMY COSTUME:



You get my point?  I would light my own house on fire if that girl came to put it out!

Halloween is a time for fantasy but the reality of the costumes is enough to make me want to skip the dress up and move right on to Thanksgiving. Good luck in your search ladies! Go forth & be slutty!

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